The Oddest Political Scientist

Moved!

2010-04-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

The Oddest Political Scientist has moved!

Check out the new site at

professormitchell.wordpress.com

McFatty Monday

2010-04-26T06:29:00.000-07:00

Being broke is a surefire way to stay skinny. I'm still hovering right around 120 pounds, and I'm even willing to accept the crazy-smooshy stomach to stay at that weight.

We've been trying to sell our house, and even though our house is really nice and has a lot of great stuff in it, the houses in our neighborhood all suck. Hell, our neighborhood in general sucks, and it's only going to suck more and more. We're surrounded by low-income apartments and they just put a laundromat and a booze store down the street. Now, I have nothing against laundromats. I took my comforter to the laundromat last month. And I sure as hell don't have anything against booze stores. We have made the drunken stumble down to Kelly's Beer & Wine many times since we've lived here. But these sorts of things are not the kinds of things that increase your property value.

After a depressing "Four Months In And No Offers Yet" convo with our realtor, we learned that we're just going to have to suck it up and take a hit on the house. Which means my entire summer's salary at the summer camp this year is going to go just to moving out of our house. Our house that we love but will cause us to kill each other due to lack of space once we have another child.

The advantage of knowing that you're going to have to come up with $5k sometime in the next few months makes you think twice at the grocery store. And it makes you think twice before you grab seconds (should I eat this now or have it for lunch tomorrow? stretch that Jambalaya just a liiiiiittle farther...)

With the Budget Diet, I'm hoping to stay at 120 for the forseeable future.

I would also like to add that not only did Richard take his first trip out of the state of Texas on Saturday (to the Oklahoma side of Lake Texoma), but I also braved a bikini for the first time since his birth. No there are no pictures of THAT (are you crazy?!) but here's a picture of him in his life jacket:

Excessive Amounts of Wine

2010-04-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

It's that point in the semester where everything is due. What did I do last night? Had my friend Chelsea over and drank an entire bottle of wine by myself.

And what am I doing now? Sending my mom a Harry Potter questionnaire. And today? We're going to Lake Texoma for Ian's friend's birthday.

At some point, I'm going to have to get some work done. There's always tomorrow.

Blogging LOST: That's It? Really?

2010-04-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

With 4 more episodes left until the season finale, I'm upping my expectations. They need to be wrapping up the infinite amounts of mysteries and problems, not trying to confuse us more. If the next four episodes are like this one, then it had better be one hell of a season finale.

Don't get me wrong. I liked it. Esau's personality is getting a bit more developed - we are left wondering whether he's the real bad guy or not. After all, he did lead the castaways to water, right? And the revelation that Esau had taken over Jack's dad's body, though completely unsurprisingly, was at least one little loose end that got tied up. Now on to the 1,000 others.

Trip to Lubbock

2010-04-20T17:52:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised in Dallas, but there are still two other places in the world that make me feel like I'm at home. The first is Kentucky, where I spent every summer as a kid. Those summers usually involved making my grandparents watch me put on a one-kid show. One year it was toy horses making death defying leaps. Another year was a choreographed dance to Baby One More Time. Being an only child (sort of*) makes you resort to really strange things to keep you entertained.

The second is Lubbock. It always feels like home, and it's not even my family. Maybe in-laws are best served 300 miles away, but I love visiting Ian's family in Lubbock. This weekend was his (step) great grandmother's 100th birthday. Here's a photo of her and all of her Great Great Grandchildern. That's our niece Shelby holding Richard.

I also had a lot of fun spending time with my nieces. They're in college and way cooler than I am. We ate dinner at a cajun restaurant and gossiped about our family.

On the way home, Ian and I made the mistake of discussing politics. It ended with me staring out the window with my arms crossed refusing to speak. And Ian claims that this fight was the reason for the next thing that happened.

We ran out of fuel. On the interstate. Ian said, "Oh, I'm out of fuel." And I figured that just meant we'd have to stop and get some. No, he really meant he was out of fuel. The car was no longer running. So we coasted to an IHOP off the side of the road, and Richard and I went in for coffee while Ian walked to the gas station.

Fortunately, we made it home. I lovingly told Ian when we climbed into bed, "I love you even though you're a heartless conservative." To which he replied, "Don't forget that we kill kittens, too."

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*I have two half sisters, thus the reason why I have nieces, but they never made the Kentucky trip with me.

Blogging LOST: More Desmond, Please

2010-04-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

Ian and I almost died when more Others were mentioned. The Others that are lost souls roaming the island forever. Oh, brutha. If we have to learn anything about these others and/or get to know them/save them, I am going to die. What have I said about Others, LOST? Didn't we have this discussion already?

Good, not great. That's how I'd rate this episode. Hurley is funny, though I don't really dig him in his Non-Crash Plot. It's somewhat interesting that he now knows about the "real" timeline, but the episode still didn't really seem to get us that much further in our quest for answers. And Ilana blowing up randomly? That was kind of a let down; neither of us were all that impressed. Just as she was about to give us some answers, she has to go and explode. We didn't really care that she died, though, and I guess that says something about the way we felt about her character.

I think next week's episode looks kind of promising. The preview had the Willy Wonka boat ride song playing, and it does kind of make me think of a parallel between Jacob looking for his Candidate and Willy Wonka looking for his successor. Which one of the Candidates is Charlie Bucket? I'm leaning toward Hugo.

Oh, and what the F is the point of having Sun unable to speak English? Totally stupid and pointless, and the writers better have a plan/reason for that or else they're wasting our time.

Useless Things I Know: Part 2

2010-04-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

When I really got to thinking about it, I realized there are a lot of really useless things that I know. Some of them have a 0.1% chance of coming in handy one day (knowing how to land an airplane) and others might be worth pulling out at dull moments during cocktail parties (Did you know that Jared Leto lost 20 pounds in 10 days on a diet of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water?)

But most of the useless things I know are actually useless. Which brings me to Part 2 of Useless Things I Know.

6) Pretty much every line of the movie Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I went through a phase in middle school where I watched this movie every day. Looking back, I'm not sure why I chose this particular movie, of all the movies in the world. It's not even a very good movie, and with the exception of Christian Slater, none of the actors in it are very cute. But I watched it about 250 times and could probably recite it from start to finish for you.

7) My ex-boyfriend's phone number. I still remember it.

8) The names of all the guys in N*SYNC. I'm kind of cheating with this one. A couple months ago, I was trying to describe a guy I know to my friend Ali. He looks like a fat Chris from N*SYNC. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember Chris's name, so I had to go on a fan website to find out. Memories of 8th grade rushed back to me. I couldn't tell you their favorite colors, but maybe my friend from camp could.

Family Portraits

2010-04-11T06:03:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Jared for the great pics!

Ways My Kid Finds to Embarrass Me

2010-04-10T05:58:00.001-07:00

I walked through half of Walmart yesterday before I realized Richard had pulled my shirt down and exposed my bra.

Motherhood.

Blogging LOST: Non-Crash Gets Interesting, Brutha

2010-04-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

I love Desmond. Seriously, I am in love with Desmond. I mean, not only is he a pretty good lookin' dude, but the way he talks - if Ian could master that accent, he would get unlimited... back rubs. What? What did you think I was gonna say?

Anyway, an episode featuring Desmond is always a win for me. And I did like this episode. It was a good episode, and interesting stuff happened (as opposed to last week, where the entire episode felt completely pointless). We are still kind of sick of the Non-Crash plot, though.

It is getting slightly more interesting. Farraday seems to somehow know that he set off a nuclear bomb in the Crash timeline, thus starting the Non-Crash timeline spiral (how he came up with the nuclear bomb theory, I'm unsure). His mom (Eloise) seems to know what's up as well. But Desmond's status as a "constant" seems to be putting him in prime position to get the Non-Crash timeline back to where it's supposed to be.

Decent episode. My only complaint is that there is too much going on. We have two major storylines and two major plots that need to be resolved: the whole Jacob vs. Esau thing (with the Candidates and the lighthouse and the temple), and the whole Non-Crash timeline (that Desmond is hopefully going to fix). Those are two really big stories that seem to be competing with each other. It might have been better to focus on one or the other, but then the writers would actually have to develop one of them in depth rather than kind of skimming the surface on both.

I did like it, though. And it looks like we'll be seeing more Desmond in the coming episodes. That's a good thing.

Useless Things I Know: Part I

2010-04-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with a song stuck in my head: the theme song from the Winnie the Pooh TV show that came on Disney channel when I was about 10 years old. Not the cute "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh, chubby little fuzzy all stuffed with fluff"... no, not that one. That one is familiar. This song is cheesy, and it is wasting space in my brain.

Which got me to thinking, "How much other useless stuff is in there taking up room that could be filled with other important things, like game theory lectures or the weekly schedule of my favorite trashy TV shows (like Kendra and Tool Academy)?" Even worse, I wonder how much useful stuff in my brain was destroyed by exorbitant amounts of Jack Daniels during the last couple years of high school, leaving the theme song to the Disney Channel Winnie the Pooh show instead?

Thus begins the blog series, "Useless Things I Know."

I really had to take my time with this. What information is actually useless? I consider the theme song to Fraggle Rock to be important pop culture knowledge for someone my age, along with name of at least one Spice Girl and the basic plot outline of Twlight. But here are a few things I know that I feel are truly useless.

1) The names of all the WWE professional wrestlers that were popular/active in 2002. The year that I actually followed professional wrestling and ordered Wrestlemania on Pay-Per-View. I'm not really sure what I was thinking when I went through that phase, but maybe it had something to do with really buff half-naked men fighting each other.

2) The strategy for defeating M'uru in World of Warcraft. Note that I don't include the strategies for defeating any Super Mario Brothers bosses. That information is actually quite useful when I play Nintendo DS with my niece and nephew.

3) How to say, "My love" in Elvish. Freaking Elvish. Someone read too much Lord of the Rings as a middle schooler...

4) The lyrics to every single song in the movie Muppet Treasure Island.

5) The names of the girls I went to summer camp with. You wouldn't think this was useless. "Awww, you could look them up on Facebook!" No. I hated summer camp. They made you sing songs and shoot a bow and arrow, and there wasn't any air conditioning. It was awful. The other girls were weird, and one of them was so obsessed with N*SYNC that she truly thought she was friends with the band. I have no fond memories of camp, and therefore do not need to remember the first and last names of the girls I went to camp with (they actually LIKED participating in all the mandatory activities. What's up with that?)

So begins the first part of Useless Things I Know. If you think you have some interesting, yet completely useless, information rattling around in your brain, feel free to participate. I know someone out there knows the birthdates and favorite color of every guy in New Kids On The Block.

Blogging Lost: Amazing!

2010-04-01T19:00:00.001-07:00

It was the best episode ever!

APRIL FOOL'S.

This episode was pretty much boring. More boring Non-Crash plots. I have no idea why I should care about Jin and Sun and their scandalous love affair. I'm so bored with Non-Crash that I would even be okay with them suddenly ending it with no explanation whatsoever.

We didn't really learn anything we didn't know, and nothing really seemed to happen. The only highlight of the episode was Desmond's return. I love Desmond. But as he had no lines (and thus no opportunity to speak in his sexy accent), it wasn't enough to make the episode worthwhile.

Desmond's return is a bit interesting, though. Remember that he is a "constant". Apparently Widmore has captured him, and I'm betting his status as a "constant" has something to do with it. I can't imagine Penny being too happy with this arrangement. If my dad kidnapped my husband.... well let's just say that Dad would be getting gym socks for Christmas, and family get togethers would be really awkward.

I'm Just One Person!*

2010-03-31T06:51:00.000-07:00

There comes a point in every semester where I realize that there are 4 weeks left and I have done absolutely nothing. This is the stuff nightmares are made of.**

Last night, I decided it was time to take action. Rather than putting Richard to bed and enjoying some trashy TV, I opened up my laptop and a bottle of wine (okay, okay. A box.) The plan was to work until I was too drunk to be productive.

After 3 glasses of wine, the thought of composing 50 Power Point slides, writing 50 pages and 5 lectures, and creating an entire summer undergraduate course on game theory sounds so much less daunting. Unfortunately, I only got through about 12 slides before the lure of 16 & Pregnant proved to be too strong. Oh well. It's a step in the right direction.

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* A catchphrase I am stealing from Lauren.

** Literally. I have a regularly recurring nightmare that I show up to a final exam only to realize that I haven't been to class for the entire semester. Or that I just found out that I never actually got my Bachelor's degree because of a Spanish class I was supposed to take but never did.

Fun, Despite the Dearth of Hyenas

2010-03-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

I woke up on my birthday sans hangover, which was impressive considering I was out until 1am the night before and consumed exactly 5 Jack Daniels on the rocks. I think my body was just made for Tennessee whiskey.

The birthday present I wanted from Ian was a night out with the girls singing karaoke, and it was a blast. Ian drove me to the bar and my Mormon, non-drinking friend drove me home. Mom kept the baby so I could sleep in.

I looked around the house when I woke up and saw that it was a chaotic mess, and I thought, "I should spend the day cleaning." But then I realized it was my birthday, and I couldn't spend my birthday cleaning the house. So I went to my Mom's to pick up Richard and took him to the zoo.

That's right, I braved taking a 6 month old the zoo by myself on a Saturday after being up until 1am the night before. It was a blast!

One of the gorillas was sitting right up next to the glass in his enclosure and Richard actually noticed him (probably thinking, "Hey, that looks kind of like Dad with his shirt off"), and he seemed to really enjoy the colorful birds. Other than that, he was pretty oblivious to the fact that we were at the zoo.

When we stopped at the monkeys, I picked him up out of his stroller and noticed that his pants seemed a little wet. Oh, Lord. He had a gigantic poop explosion right there at the zoo. The other mothers in the ladies' room all gave me sympathetic smiles as I rinsed his pants in the sink. Poor baby spent the last half of our visit pantless.

It was a really great trip, and a wonderful way to spend my birthday, poop explosions and all.

Book Club

2010-03-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

Book Club this month was Tuesday night, and I've been too busy obsessing about LOST to blog about it. But it was one of the most fun book clubs we've had in a long time! As usual, we didn't even mention a book. This month Keri treated us all to a wine tasting in Plano (she had won the tasting at an auction I think?) and it was a blast.

The wine tasting guy started by saying, "How many of you think good wine doesn't come with screw tops or boxes?" I'm sure he was expecting some snobs, but we are all big Target Wine Cube fans. The waiter poured a glass for all of us, and the wine tasting guy started explaining all about the color and the bouquet and the legs. When he finally said, "Now take a sip of the wine," I was kind of embarrassed that I had already downed the whole thing. More please! Fortunately, Jenny was doing the same thing.

I love book club, and I love the friends I've made there. They're totally outside of my "regular" group of friends. It was a blast (and fortunately for me, 14 wines later, I had a designated driver.)

Blogging LOST: AWESOME.

2010-03-24T19:17:00.001-07:00

"Good to see you out of those chains."

I freaking LOVED this episode. I mean, Richard is one of the few men who can pull off black eyeliner, and I've always been curious about his origins. I must admit, part of me was kind of disappointed when they revealed that he was only a few hundred years old. I was imagining that he was alive back when Christianity was new. But still, it was awesome.

I really felt like we got some more insight into what's going on with the island, though it came with a lot of religious metaphors. It does feel like it's coming down to God versus Satan in the Jacob vs Esau battle, and I wish it wasn't so cut and dry. As Obi-Wan Kenobi once told us, everything depends on our point of view (or, evil is in the eye of the beholder). I don't really want Esau to be evil incarnate with no redeeming qualities. I want it to be a little less clear.

Some other major pluses about this episode: there was no No-Crash screen time, and there were no additional Others. Plus, Richard is really sexy, and even though he can't win a knife fight against an unarmed man, I still think he's awesome (a lover not a fighter, if you will). I'm pretty happy that my kid shares a name with him.

Well Played, MIL

2010-03-20T06:19:00.000-07:00

My grandmother taught me how to embroider. I have gotten on a kick this year of handmaking presents for everyone, and I decided to embroider a gift for my sister-in-law. My first plan was to embroider a pillow with the logo of her favorite band. Unfortunately, Chance snotted all over the pillow when it was about halfway finished.

My next plan was a potholder. I traced the Radiohead logo onto the potholder and spent several hours meticulously stitching. Sure, my stitches aren't quite even, but it's been a long time since Grandma taught me how. I ended up with this:

Surely a hand-embroidered gift couldn't be beat, right? Spending hours stitching the logo of my sister-in-law's favorite band was sure to be the gift of the night. I even handmade a birthday card with construction paper!

Then, her mom busts out with this:

A real, live budgerigar. How can I compete with that?!

First Sports Bar

2010-03-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

Much like going to a liquor store while pregnant, there are few things more awkward in this world than going to a bar with a 6 month old baby. And yet that's what I did yesterday.

After quite a few phone calls yesterday morning trying to find a bar that 1) did not allow smoking, and 2) would be showing the Vanderbilt/Murray State game, Richard and I ended up meeting my mom at Fox & Hound down the street from my house.

My mom went to Murray State, and with Kentucky roots like mine, it's pretty much impossible for me not to be a basketball fan. North Texas was also playing (my alma mater), and UK yesterday night.

Everyone has a different strategy when it comes to picking the winners in their March Madness brackets. Some people base it on team mascots, some on team colors. Some base it on which schools have good political science programs (I'll let you guess who used that strategy).

My final four is already ruined. Next year I'm basing my picks on how bald the coaches are.

Blogging LOST: No More Others!!

2010-03-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

This week's episode was pretty lame. Every Tuesday when we sit down to watch LOST, I think, "Maybe this week will be the week that the plot moves forward in some discernable direction." And yet every week, I'm fairly disappointed. Especially this week.

Don't get me wrong. I liked Non-Crash Sawyer's police life. It was interesting. But it still felt pointless. Esau's long-winded narrative about his crazy mother was just confusing. When Claire attacked Kate, we were half hoping that she'd cut Kate's throat just so that something interesting would happen. Alas, no one died, not even from gunshots to the chest.

I'm not sure if we're supposed to be able to figure out whose side Sawyer is really on. He's lying to someone (maybe everyone?), and I got really tired of trying to figure out who. Plus, when Non-Crash Sawyer sat in the car with Non-Crash Miles and spent 4 minutes telling his sad story, I was just like, "Come on, the viewer already knows this. Why do you have to tell us again?"

I feel like there was a lot of symbolism in this episode that is supposed to help the viewer understand what's going on. Non-Crash Sawyer watching Little House on the Prairie, the camera focusing on the books he was reading (didn't catch their titles), and numerous flower references (LaFleur, Rose, the Orchid station, the sunflower Non-Crash Sawyer brought to Charlotte, etc.)

But the casual viewer really doesn't get much from all this. I read my share of LOST blogs, and if I still can't figure out what it's all supposed to mean, then what's the point of including it? If these references are so obscure that only the most diehard, obsessed fans will understand them, then they really aren't helping me at all.

Last week, I was really excited to see Widmore return. But this week, it just felt like more Others (the Widmore Others, perhaps) right after they got rid of the Other Others (the ones in the temple). PLEASE, NO MORE OTHERS.

I'm really looking forward to next week, though. Richard is one of my favorite characters, so hopefully we will actually learn something about him (but I doubt it).

Yes, We Had a Star Wars Cake

2010-03-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

Ian and I are polar opposites. In nearly every way possible. But most notably, I don't think there is a single political issue on which we agree.

You'd think I would learn not to bring it up after the 487th dragged out, swearing, stomping, angry debate. You see, not only do we disagree on everything, but we also both 1) always have to be right, and 2) love arguing. We can even take the most boring, innocuous issue (I dunno, something like... leash laws for dogs) and turn it into a huge debate. And even if neither of us really cares about leash laws for dogs, when we start arguing about it, it suddenly becomes an issue that we each care about so passionately that it hurts our souls.*

What's worse is that I am pretty sure every debate makes us even further entrenched in our own ideas, even further to opposite ends of the spectrum. Rather than promoting understanding and cooperation, our political debates turn us into Anne Coulter and Gloria Steinem. Glenn Beck and Al Franken. Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.

Just when we've doled out our final "F You!" and we're sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, arms crossed and wondering how on earth we could have married someone with such blasphemous ideas and warped values, the guy on TV starts talking about the new Star Wars computer game that's coming out soon.

And we know we were meant to be.

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*Examples of issues that I care about so passionately it hurts my soul: the death penalty, agricultural trade liberalization, and how Rudy really should have won the first season of Survivor

McFatty Monday

2010-03-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not even sure how I did it. I'm down to 121 pounds. My husband (and my friend Ali) wanted to know whether I was bulimic. The answer is no. Come on, if I were bulimic, I'd be down to 112.

Since I stopped breastfeeding (and started taking a mild anti-depressant... that's a long story that I won't get into now), I'm literally never hungry. Unfortunately, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything resembling exercise, so even with the astonishingly low number on the scale, I'm still mushy in lots of key places.

Overall, though, I'm feeling really good about this weight. I don't know if I can keep it up - 121 is not really a sustainable weight for someone who clocks in at a healthy 5'9" tall. But if I can keep it at 125 or lower, I'll be ready for bikini season!

Microwave Safe My A

2010-03-12T06:37:00.000-08:00

Does it look like a dog chewed on this tupperware? If only.

I make most of Richard's food. It's way cheaper and not actually that much trouble. I bought a huge sweet potato for about $1.50, baked it, cut it into cubes, and ended up with about 15 servings. That's $0.10 per serving, versus $0.60 per jar. I've also fixed avocado, pears, and peas.

Which brings me to the destroyed tupperware. Apparently "microwave safe" is a relative term, and 4 minutes was a bit too long to cook the frozen peas.

Blogging LOST

2010-03-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

If you were on a magical island where you had experienced a polar bear attack, seen a computer that requires a pattern of numbers to be entered every 108 minutes to prevent the end of the world, watched a black smoke monster kills people, and traveled back to the 1970's and lived there for a while, wouldn't you be asking a few questions?

I mean, seriously. When Richard gets all vague in describing both why he never ages and why Jacob might have done what he did, I was rolling my eyes. Jack demands "answers" as he lights a stick of dynamite on fire, but he doesn't really get them. And he doesn't really seem to care.

I know the writers have told us to be patient as we wait for information, but it's starting to get a bit unbelievable that the characters in the show are so indifferent to all the crazy b.s. that happens around them. If I just saw my childhood home in a lighthouse mirror, I would probably have a few more questions than Jack does.

I liked the episode. I felt sorry for Island Ben and happy for Non-Crash Ben. But my patience is wearing thin. Can't we just get a move on? With 9 episodes left, it's time to start wrapping up loose ends instead of creating new ones.

Oh, and I'm not sure why, but I was the most excited I've been all season when Widmore came back.

At Least The Eyes

2010-03-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

I spent my weekend scanning a bunch of old photos into the computer (when I probably should have spent it writing lectures and starting on my dissertation proposal). I found one picture in which Richard actually looks like me.

Series: 1,001 Things I Hate

2010-03-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

5. Laugh Exaggeraters. I am not really sure why this bothers me so much, but every time I see or hear something along the lines of "I read that and laughed so hard I cried," my hackles are automatically up.

I mean, did you really laugh so hard you cried? I've got to say, I've read some pretty funny things, and the most that's ever happened is a brief chuckle. Are you just that much more amused than I am? Or are you trying to be funny yourself by exaggerating? If so, it isn't working.

An honest, "I lol'ed at that" is both more realistic and more informative. You write in your blog that you chuckled at an article or that you found it really funny, and I've actually learned something. You write that you laughed until you spit pepsi on your screen, and you've lost all credibility. How many times has anyone actually spit pepsi on their screen?

Blogging LOST

2010-03-03T12:39:00.001-08:00

In this episode, we get to see what becomes of Non-Crash Sayid. I know everyone keeps saying that eventually this whole Non-Crash plot is actually going to mean something, but I wish they'd hurry up and get us to that point, because for now, it seems really lame.

I was actually pretty upset when Sayid (that's Crash Sayid) killed Dogen. I mean, didn't they just introduce us to this character like three episodes ago? And they already killed him? What was the point of him? Just to get us to the Temple of the Other Others? His soliloquy about his drunk driving accident didn't really move me. Again, kind of lame. They did this same thing with Jacob: we met him and then two episodes later he's dead. Doesn't really give you a chance to get involved with a character if he dies in 3 seconds.

We were disappointed to see Kate make an appearance in this week's episode. From the looks of things, she'll be appearing more frequently in the next few episodes. It seems like we've got a showdown coming between the Good Guys (Jack, Hurley, etc.) and the Bad Guys (Esau/Locke, Claire, Sayid, & Co.). I think we have decided that Sayid and Claire are just Sayid and Claire... though they might be Evil Sayid and Evil Claire.

I liked last week's episode a lot better.

Party Boy

2010-02-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

Richard was invited to a birthday party for one of his "friends"! A friend of mine from high school has a 1 year old daughter, and she and I reconnected once we realized we both had young kids.

Unfortunately, the gift that we got for the birthday girl turned out to be a size too small. Jill's daughter is already wearing 3T clothes! Jill is right around 6 foot tall, so it should be no surprise that her little girl is actually a big girl. Richard is such a scrawny baby next to her.

Richard was a bit overwhelmed by all the strangers in the room - he is starting to get pretty attached to Mom. He survived for a couple of hours, but once the crying really got unmanageable we headed home.

Guess he isn't a party boy yet. We have plenty of years for that...

Five Months

2010-02-25T06:01:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that Richard is 5 months old! When he was first born and life was miserable, everyone kept saying, "It will go by so fast!" and all I could think was, "Thank goodness..." But now it is going by too quickly.

Richard's favorite hobby has become grabbing and playing with everything he can reach, including but not limited to his toys, my hair, and his burp rags. I might be biased, but I think he's totally adorable.

Blogging LOST

2010-02-24T06:03:00.000-08:00

The first thing I want to say is that Yes, I am liking this season of LOST. There is pretty much no chance I will stop watching. However, I do think that the writers of LOST set out in Season 1 with no plan in mind and are trying to wrap up the loose ends as they go along.

Also, if we never see Mr. Eko again, I will be very upset.

Last night's episode was good. Yes, despite it being a Jack episode, and despite Kate appearing for more than 0.02 seconds, and despite a side plot involving Non-Crash Jack having a son who acts like a prick, it was a good episode. Hurley is my favorite character. Not only is he funny, and not only is he the reason why we didn't have to deal with Kate's whining, but he is also the only person who reacts in a way that is remotely close to how I would react to all the messed up stuff that happens on the island.

We still can't really figure out why there is a Non-Crash timeline, and we kind of wish they would spend more time on the island actually answering questions. This episode didn't really give us any answers (oooo... the numbers are not only written on the wall of a cave, but also on a compass on a light house that they somehow have never found despite living on the island three years.... wtf does all that even mean?), but it does seem like we're building up to something big.

On a side note, Ian and I often find ourselves saying things like, "That's so unrealistic." And we aren't saying this about things like Hurley talking to dead people, or an entire island relocating because of a wheel, or a monster made of smoke killing people. Last night we caught ourselves saying, "If you really got your foot caught in a bear trap, you'd be in a lot worse shape than that. So unrealistic."

What I Get For Being Thrifty

2010-02-21T06:06:00.000-08:00

Richard was up. all. night. It started with some whining at midnight. By 2:30am, I was bleary-eyed on the couch trying to rock him back to sleep.

I'm pretty sure his tummy was hurting, and it's probably because of formula. And even more probably because I decided to be cheap and buy the Target brand of formula instead of the more expensive kind that is specially made to be more like breastmilk. Who knew he might be sensitive to it?

You aren't supposed to switch brands of formula more often than every two weeks, so I'm hoping his system gets accustomed to it. If not, I guess I'll have to pony up the extra $8 per can for the good stuff.

Hanging Up The Horns

2010-02-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

I'm finally ready to quit pumping. Pumping is a huge pain. It is literally 2+ hours out of my day that I have to spend either hooked up to the dairy cow machine or cleaning the parts for it. My self-imposed official end date is March 1st, so I am slowly cutting back in the hopes of avoiding something awful like mastitis.

Unfortunately, Richard wasn't really on board with the whole "formula" thing. Last night I offered him his first bottle of formula EVER, and it took him about 3 seconds to realize that this stuff was NOT the real thing. He refused it completely. Like, he'd see the bottle and get all excited, but the second it touch his tongue he'd just push it right back out. I had to just feed him a bottle of breastmilk instead.

Of course, after that, I was in a state of panic. What if he will never accept formula and he withers away and starves? Or worse, I have to continue pumping until he's a year old?! Nightmares of lugging the pump to the pool this summer plagued my dreams.

Thanks to some advice from the online baby forums, this morning I mixed him a bottle with half formula and half the real thing. He didn't even notice. Hopefully I can transition him to all formula over the next couple of weeks.

Teaching to a Test

2010-02-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

I gave my students their first test on Tuesday, and I was pretty pleased with their performance. The class average was right around 80, and one student even managed a 100%! This tells me that 1) I taught them something, and 2) I tested them over that something.

It got me thinking. We complain a lot about standardized testing - that teachers are forced to "teach to the test". If the teachers dislike "teaching to the test", then that means the test isn't covering what the teachers want/need to teach. If we had a good test, the teachers would be happy to teach the material that it covers.

There are still obvious flaws with standardized testing, however. Teachers must spend time teaching kids HOW to take the test (not just the content). If teacher pay is based on test scores, the teachers have an incentive to help students cheat. Students may be too different from one another for a single test to fit all of them. And standardized tests may not be good at evaluating students on more nebulous subjects like humanities.

However, we have to have some way to hold public schools accountable and make sure they are actually teaching students something. All teachers teach to a test: I taught my students and then tested them over exactly what I wanted them to learn. I know there are teachers who read this blog. What do you think?

Blogging LOST

2010-02-17T05:22:00.000-08:00

We actually watched LOST on the night it came on! Ian didn't have to work, and we managed to stay up late enough to watch it on DVR so we could fast forward through commercials.

Thank goodness it was a Locke episode and not a Kate one. Kate is so boring and lame. Locke is more interesting, but not by much.

The first thing we discussed as we were watching was Non-Crash Helen. Ian says he thinks there was an episode where they broke up before Non-Crash Locke left on the flight to Sydney, but all I can remember is that Helen was Locke's phone sex girl. Is this an inconsistency from the writers, or do we just have bad memories? You decide.

Once again, it seemed like most of the episode was just boring, boring, boring. Non-Crash Locke got fired from his Box Job, but wait! It turns out that !OMG Non-Crash Hurley! (and possibly/probably Crash Hurley) owns the Box Company. Is this supposed to be interesting? They're just throwing in a bunch of ways that the people on the flight are "connected". Next week Non-Crash Sawyer will probably get a speeding ticket from !OMG Non-Crash Ana Lucia! and then have to go to court where he will stand in line behind !OMG Non-Crash Guy-Who-Got-Killed-By-Flaming-Arrow!

On the island (the real story), Esau is dragging Sawyer around doing something. At this point, Ian says, "I don't need all the answers. I really don't. But one answer would be nice."

They end up in a cave where everyone's names are written on the ceiling of a cave. That would have been really interesting if they hadn't wasted 55 minutes of my times (okay, 42 without commercials) doing absolutely nothing.

Finally, Esau tells Sawyer that they should both leave the island. Sawyer is a con man. He should be able to tell when someone is conning him. And yet instead of saying, "Hey, dude that is somehow inexplicably in Locke's body, what's in it for you?", he just says, "Okay, sounds like a great plan that couldn't possibly go wrong for anyone." Or something like that.

This Wouldn't Be an Issue If We Lived at the Equator

2010-02-13T05:20:00.000-08:00

Our house is on the market. On the plus side, our house stays a lot cleaner than it used to. On the negative side, people actually want to, you know, come see it. This can be a problem when you are wrestling two dogs and an infant.

Whenever someone wants to come see the house, I would usually: 1) Put Dog Number One (Soap) in his crate in the garage. 2) Put Dog Number Two (Chance) in the dog run in the backyard, because he will literally chew through any kind of inside crate I could buy him (even the black wire ones. he escapes those). 3) Load the baby up in the pickup and drive to someone's house.

However, it's 30 degrees outside, we've had 12.5 inches of snow in two days, and my pickup truck does not have a functioning heater.

This creates a problem. First, it's really too cold to leave either of the dogs in the kennel out back when it's this cold and snowy. Second, we don't have an inside dog crate that will hold Chance. Third, it's really too cold to have a baby in the truck with no heater. But Fourth, a white-fur-shedding pit bull does not mix well with Ian's brand new black-interior Tahoe.

My choices are either to bundle the baby up extra bundly and bring Richard and Chance to someone's house in the freezing cold pickup, or trade cars with Ian and get his "baby" (the Tahoe) all furry. And because Ian apparently values his "baby" more than his baby, I get stuck in the 30 degree pickup. Maybe Chance could keep Richard warm?

Blogging LOST

2010-02-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

The first thing I want to say is that I have never liked Kate. Kate is always whining or crying, someone is always having to come rescue her, and she is always ruining the best laid plans. She's not as tough as she seemed in Season 1. She's always complaining about something and doing what seems to be the most illogical thing in any scenario. For example, following Sawyer (who we now for really annoying reasons call James) when he explicitly asked her not to follow him.

And while we're talking about annoying characters, Jack really took a downturn after Season 1 as well. But, to quote Ian, "Jack finally grew some balls."

I was pretty much waiting for Jack to just make Sayid take that little green cyanide pill because he is a *expletive* like that. Fortunately, Jack demanded some answers. Of course we didn't actually get any answers, but at least he's trying.

I still think there is a fair likelihood that Sayid is Jacob, even though the Other Others' Leader said it was something about a "darkness" that was taking him over. I'm willing to accept other opinions, though.

Another thing I want to comment on is the alternate reality. Wtf?! We have to watch Non-Crash Claire and Non-Crash Kate go to the adoptive parents' house (totally lame and a cop-out that the lady's husband left her and blah blah blah) and then to the hospital (also lame and a cop-out that she happened to go into labor). I guess it's neat that the doctor was Non-Crash Ethan, but my main question is... what the hell does this have to do with ANYTHING?! Seriously? Who cares? Get back to the main island stuff.

In fact, the whole episode seemed pretty pointless until Claire showed up at the last second. We are thinking that maybe she is Rousseau. Hopefully LOST takes a turn for the more interesting, because if the writers are really going to waste half of the final season showing us what would have happened if the plane hadn't crashed, I want my money back.

Situps Suck

2010-02-08T05:25:00.001-08:00

When I was a senior in high school, I bought one of these ab workout things that is supposed to give you a six pack without ever doing a crunch. It was a belt that you put around your midsection, and it gives off little electric impulses that tighten your muscles while you just sit around watching TV. What a great way to exercise!

It didn't work. And anyone probably could have told me that ANY contraption that promises to give you six pack abs while you sit around watching television WILL NOT WORK.

I would rather do almost anything than situps. I would rather give blood. I would rather deal with Richard crying for 3 hours straight. I hate situps.

I also hate having a smooshy stomach.

My scale number still isn't a problem. Neither is my motivation to do other workout-y things, like squats or free weights. But situps? I would rather die.

My end goal in getting back into shape is to have non-blob arms and a non-saggy ass. And another goal is to have a non-smooshy stomach. But getting that non-smooshy stomach requires situps, and as I have explained, I really hate situps. Like, REALLY hate them.

Maybe I should get one of these.

Somewhere

2010-02-06T05:17:00.000-08:00

Somewhere out there is a little blue sock. While Richard and I were at the self-checkout at Walmart, a lady behind me said, "You know his sock is missing, right?"

It could be at Joann's Fabric, Petco, or any number of aisles at Walmart, and I didn't have the time or the energy to walk around looking for it. Richard came home sockless.

In other news, Richard was behind on a milestone. What to Expect the First Year says that babies should be laughing by 4 months old (not even in the "might be" or "probably will be" categories, but in the "will definitely be" one). And he wasn't laughing. He was smiling, babbling, and occasionally doing a loud gasp that was his version of a laugh, but no cute baby giggles.

I finally managed to get a giggle the other day, though, and it was while I was changing his diaper and chanting, "U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly! Yo mama said you ugly!"

The boy has an interesting sense of humor.

Blogging LOST

2010-02-05T05:23:00.000-08:00

We finally got around to watching the season premiere of LOST last night. What can I say - I have a four month old. We had to re-watch the finale of Season 5 to refresh our memories, and then we dived right in to Season 6.

When the show started, and Jack was sitting on flight 815 like nothing had ever happened, my first thought was, "LAME." Juliet sets off this bomb, and it actually WORKS? And they never go to the island? WTF? It's like that season of Dallas when she woke up and realized everything that happened was a dream. Totally lame.

Fortunately for me (and for my eyes, because if I rolled them any harder, they would have gotten stuck in the back of my brain), the nuclear explosion seems to have simultaneously worked and not worked. I'm not really sure I understand what is going on, but I think that's the point.

So we have the entire cast of the show on the island, ostensibly in the present, and simultaneously we have the entire cast of the show acting out what would have happened if the plane hadn't crashed at all (the point of this is... well I'll get back to you on that).

Except that Non-Crash Jack's Dad's Body is missing when they land in LA. Did Non-Crash Jacob (or Non-Crash Jacob's Friend) take him off the airplane during the "pocket of turbulence"? Does it even matter what happened to Non-Crash Jack's Dad's Body, considering there is a parallel story line in which the crash DID occur? Does your brain hurt yet?

On the island, in the present, we have the gang that we Know And Love (Sawyer, Kate, Hurley, etc.), and then we have the Fake Locke & Co. Fake Locke, it seems, is Jacob's Friend (who I have been calling Esau). Ian and I think that perhaps Esau takes over all the dead bodies and occasionally pretends to be Jacob, as was the case when Esau took over Jack's Dad's Body. Now, Esau has Locke's body. And Jacob is dead.

Lucky for us, Hurley can see/speak to dead people! And as Sayid is bleeding to death, Jacob tells Hurley to take Sayid to a special temple... the temple where the smoke monster killed some of the French team. I wonder if the smoke monster is going to get them when they go to the temple...

But wait! Turns out ESAU is the smoke monster. Did you read that? Esau, aka Jacob's Friend, aka John Locke's Body... well he IS the smoke monster. There go my eyes again.

And when the Know And Love group gets to the temple, we find.... get ready for it.... MORE OTHERS! We had the Tail Section Others, the Others, the Dharma Others, and now we have the... well, let's call them the Other Others. Descendants, perhaps, of the people who built the huge statue and drew hieroglyphics everywhere? One thing's for sure: they've got the flight attendant from flight 815. At least she seems well cared for.

The Other Others drown Sayid (oops) and Kate informs Jack (the medical doctor) that it is too late to perform CPR. Non-Crash Kate is trying to escape the federal agent in a taxi cab with Claire (not sure why it matters). Esau knocks Richard out (something about Richard being in chains? What was that about?). And finally, Sayid comes back to life. And I'll bet a nickel that Sayid? Is really Jacob.

As expected, there were more questions than answers in the season premiere, and FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, CAN WE STOP WITH THE OTHERS?! I'm so sick of Others. What was the point of the Tail Section Others, the Others (besides Ben & Juliet), and the Dharma Others if we are just going to have the Other Others to confuse us again? The writers have very little time to tie all these ends together, and I'm beginning to lose confidence in them.

Well there's the season premiere of LOST. We can't decide whether we loved it or hated it. What do you think?

Series: 1001 Things I Hate

2010-01-29T10:54:00.000-08:00

4. Candles that smell like food. If I want my house to smell like Fresh Baked Gingerbread Cookies, I will bake them. First of all, that Pumpkin Pie scented candle doesn't really smell like pumpkin pie. It smells more like waxy fake pumpkin pie - nothing like the way a real pumpkin pie smells when it comes out of the oven. Second of all, the smell of fake, waxy Fruit Cake triggers my gag reflex.

I guess plenty of people like candles that smell like food, or else they wouldn't keep making them. As for me, I'll take something that's just clean and fresh smelling. Or even better, unscented.

Check out numbers one through three of 1001 Things I Hate here, here, and here.

LOST

2010-01-27T05:11:00.000-08:00

Back when Richard was a mere two weeks old, I never thought I'd watch television again. I mean, I knew I'd watch daytime TV (hello, TLC), but I could not fathom ever having the time or energy to stay up and watch a show in the evenings. So about that time, when my mom informed me that the final season of LOST would be starting on February 2nd, I could not foresee any possibility of ever watching it, besides maybe 15 minutes at a time on the DVR in the afternoons.

But lo and behold, we can watch TV in the evenings now. Richard goes to bed like clockwork around 7:15, which leaves me a whole 3 hours of time before I go to sleep. Throw in dinner, a shower (most days at least), and 20 minutes of reading before bed, and I'm left with a solid hour to watch LOST.

We're currently rewatching Season 5 on DVD. SPOILER ALERT. Here is what we think the deal is. Jacob (and whoever that guy is who is Jacob's friend) has to have a dead body to occupy. That's why Christian (Jack's dad) became Jacob, and why Locke had to die (so Jacob's friend could have a body). We haven't gotten any further with our theory yet, but hopefully we will remember more as we finish up Season 5.

Stay tuned for next week and my official first edition of Blogging the Final Season of LOST!

Government 101

2010-01-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

The first lecture I give my Government 101 students is the lecture on the Constitution. So much emphasis seems to be placed on "what the Founding Fathers" wanted. My response to that is, "Who cares?"

Blasphemous, I know!

But if you really think about who the Founding Fathers were: well, they were white, property-owning men who lived in the late 1700s. They believed (correctly, at the time) that the people were uneducated and uninformed and could not be trusted to influence government (Senators weren't even directly elected by the people until the early 20th century, and the President still technically isn't). They lived in a time when there wasn't even a regulated police force. Hell, many of them owned slaves.

I'm not saying that all their ideas were bad. Plenty of them seem to work well: separation of powers, checks and balances, individual liberties and freedoms. But the point is that those are values we still hold. There are other values in the Constitution that we, perhaps, don't (like women not voting).

What's more important? The way a bunch of white, property-owning (SLAVE-owning) men felt in 1780? Or the way we feel today? When we interpret the Constitution, why should we bother wondering what the Founders "intended"? They could not have foreseen a time like today. They may not even have intended their Constitution to last 250 years.

Perhaps we should interpret the Constitution through 21st century eyes, rather than 18th century ones. But if we're sticking with 18th century viewpoints, then you can ignore everything I am saying, because I am a woman and thus have no right to voice my opinion at all (THE FOUNDERS DIDN'T THINK WOMEN SHOULD VOTE, Y'ALL).

Broke (and Jiggly)

2010-01-18T05:45:00.000-08:00

Well, the Cowboys were a disappointment. Not only was I just barely starting to get my hopes up for a Cowboys Super Bowl appearance, but their performance determined the amount of grocery stores savings I get every week.

You see, after I joined the esteemed ranks of Motherhood, I became thrifty. Inspired by Kate on J&KP8, I started clipping coupons. Coupons! I haven't done that since college. And on top of that, my local Albertson's gives 10% off your entire grocery bill if you remember to wear your Dallas Cowboys jersey on game day.

So, I have been scheduling my grocery store visits for days on which the Cowboys play, and I wear my Joey Galloway jersey from, what, 2003-ish? And I save 10%. One day, between coupons, the sale flier, and my jersey, I saved over $50 at the checkout line. That is insane.

But now, thanks to the Cowboys miserable performance, I have lost my 10% off jersey. Oh well. Guess I'll have to wait until next season.

On a McFatty Mondays note, I have decided that being on a budget and on a diet/exercise plan is too difficult. I can't do both. I have to pick one. So, I've chosen budget, and as long as my weight stays below 130, it's going to stay that way. The jiggly stomach gets to stay (for now).

P.S. - I would like to clarify on my previous post that YES, I do know plenty of things about government. I was exaggerating.

Back to School

2010-01-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

This will be my first semester ever in my life that I am actually teaching a class. Imagine! Me! Shaping young minds! Passing on my Political Science knowledge to the next generation!

Well, probably not the next generation. One problem I am likely to encounter is that my students might be older than I am. UTD is known for non-traditional students, and my roster already has plenty of seniors and one student who is getting a second bachelor's degree. The probability of being one of the youngest people in the classroom is non-zero.

Secretly, I am bursting to walk in and admit that I know next to nothing about what I'm supposed to be teaching and they might as well go home and watch School House Rock for all the good I'm going to do them. But no. I am the expert. Years from now, when they see something on the news about gerrymandering, they will look back fondly on my class and think, "Professor Mitchell taught me that..."

(but seriously, I don't know anything. I had to look up stuff on Wikipedia.)

Mommy Needs Her Coffee

2010-01-06T05:55:00.001-08:00

Well, he WAS sleeping through the night.

Richard was going to bed at 7pm and waking up around 6:30am for a few weeks before Christmas, and then we went to Lubbock to visit Ian's family. We tried our best to keep his schedule exactly the same during the trip, but I think it messed with his internal clock a bit.

He has gotten in a very, very irritating habit of waking up 2-5 times per night. He isn't hungry. In fact, he isn't even crying. He is just "talking" and fussing a little in his crib. A replacement of the pacifier and a bit of tummy rubbing usually sends him back to sleep. Usually. This morning he woke up at 4:30am and was NOT having it. I kept trying to tell him, "Mommy can't get up at 4:30. You don't understand. Mommy can't get up this early."

When I got back in bed after the third pacifier-replacement-tummy-rub session, I was bleary-eyed and exhausted. I was laying there with my eyes closed, afraid to let myself get too comfortable in fear that he would just start fussing again. I thought to myself, "I will take an hour and a half of crying today if he will just sleep until 6:30..."

I'm in for it. He slept until 6:40. I'm just waiting for the hour and a half of crying to start.

The Annual Favorites List

2010-01-01T05:50:00.000-08:00

I feel like such a grown-up when I say this, but 2009 went by SO fast! I remember when I was a kid and the adults would all complain about time zipping by, and I would wonder what kind of crack they were smoking. The school year could not POSSIBLY have gone by any slower. And now, while I would say that each day sometimes seemed to drag (especially toward the end of pregnancy), looking back it seems like it happened in the blink of an eye.

And so it brings me to the first day of 2010 (I stayed up until 11:30 last night!) and the third annual edition of...

My Favorite Things - 2009

1. Babies R Us. This list would not be complete without something related to babies, and I'm not cheesy enough (yet) to put the actual kid on the list, even though he was one of my favorite things in 2009. I mean, hell... he pretty much WAS my 2009. I got pregnant in January and spent the entire year with him. And that meant lots of 2009 time and money spent at Babies R Us. We registered for the shower there (Ian took a catnap in one of the gliders while I walked around the store), frantically bought last-minute things for the baby there (the breast pump was purchased about 48 hours before his birth), and made many the-week-after-he-was-born trips, too (who knew we'd need Newborn sized clothes?). All in all, we helped keep Babies R Us in business throughout the recession.

2. Jon & Kate Plus 8. I never watched it before Richard was born, but when I was stuck at home caring for a newborn, this show kept me sane. It came on twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon, and I scheduled my days around it. "If I can just hang on until 3pm, then J&KP8 will be on and I can watch it..." When I got overwhelmed taking care of Richard, I could watch the show and think, "At least I don't have six." I'm kind of sad that the series is over, but now it will forever be associated with those first few weeks of Richard's life.

3. Restaurant City. A friend introduced me to this silly facebook game when I was about 6 months pregnant. I didn't have time for World of Warcraft or the Sims, both of which require a pretty serious time commitment to play. Restaurant City was just fifteen minutes here and there. Kristel and I called each other regularly to discuss strategy. I continued playing it on and off until the Christmas holidays, when I fell behind in my restaurant-ing duties, but my 2009 favorites list would not be complete without it.

4. AMEX Reward Points. Babies cost a lot of money, even before they are born, leaving us with zero-to-negative cash for going on dates. However, we are those kind of people who put all our expenses on a credit card and pay it off at the end of the month. Thus, we earn points for every dollar we spend, and we eventually can cash in those points for gift cards to restaurants. This year we went to Benihana, Capital Grille, and Ruth Chris, all courtesy of AMEX Rewards, and all dates in the forseeable future will be funded by this source as well.

5. Nano Cube Aquarium. This hovers somewhere between my Favorites of 2009 and my Least Favorites of 2009. My mom and I got it for Ian for his birthday, and he has spent countless hours perfecting it: coral, fish, water tests and changes, "fragging" coral pieces (I'm still not entirely sure what that means, but Ian is claiming it as a money-making venture). It makes the Favorites because it has kept Ian wonderfully occupied for many, many hours, and it is really pretty to look at. Least Favorites because it has kept Ian occupied for many, many hours. "Can you change the baby?" "Not now, I need to do a water change." "Can you wash the bottles?" "Right after I feed my fish." But it is pretty, and I love all the fish: Chester, Dave, Finley, and Donatello.

Repeats and Runners Up

1. Starbucks French Roast. This makes the list every year. It is my favorite brew-at-home coffee, and I had to pretty much live without it for most of 2009. Caffeine is supposedly bad for you while pregnant, so I skipped it entirely during my first trimester. And then I snuck in a cup or two every now and then during the 2nd one. And then I was up to a small cup every day in the 3rd. It's not entirely good for you while breastfeeding, either, so I am deprived of that "just to warm it up" 4th refill, but I have had two cups of very strong coffee this morning (a result of staying up until 11:30pm last night).

2. The Office. This series takes up the most room on my DVR. I swear, I can watch every episode fifty times; it never gets old. They are also the perfect length to watch while pumping: if you fast forward through commercials, each episode is about 22 minutes long. I tried watching the British version, because I usually love the British version of things (Coupling is way better than Friends), but some of the American episodes are pretty much exact transcripts of the British ones. Talk about ripped off.

3. The Ice and Fire Series. There was a time shortly after Richard's birth when I wondered if I would ever read a book again. Crawling into bed, exhausted, at 7:45pm and waking up every 2 hours after that... how would I ever find the time or energy to read?! But fortunately, it got better. Any moms-to-be who read this blog: know that it gets better. Now, I am continuing the series I started reading when I was a couple of months along. It's fantasy, with swords and stuff, which I love. Unfortunately, Ian started reading the series, too, and I was ahead of him until my two-month hiatus from reading. Now, we fight over the 4th book. The final book is supposed to come out some time this year, so perhaps this series will get a repeat for Favorites 2010.

I really can't believe it's 2010. What are we going to call the last decade? The 2000s? The aughts? The zeroes? 2009 was a great year for us; I don't know how 2010 could possibly top it! Here's to a Happy New Year. We'll see what Favorites 2010 brings!

One Twenty Eight

2009-12-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

I'm going to put it out there. I might be that girl you hate.

The girl who was back to pre-pregnancy weight after 6 weeks. The girl who weighs 2 pounds LESS than pre-pregnancy weight after 3 months. The girl who escaped stretch marks. The girl whose ass still fits into size 2 jeans.

Yes, I think I am that girl.

But before you start with the "thanks for rubbing it in", I have to tell you that even THAT GIRL has body issues after having a baby. Because even though I am down to an astonishing 128 pounds, everything is different.

Yes, the boobs are nice (one of them is a D cup...), but those are destined to shrink and sag. It's the weird stomach that bothers me. My stomach has never been rock hard, but it's never felt so... squishy. I've got a spare tire that makes those size 2 jeans look a little bit too small on me. And who the hell has time for situps?

I know I got really lucky, but even THAT GIRL has a bit to complain about.

Edited for the McFatty Mondays Series on Heir to Blair:

I guess most women who have recently (or not-so-recently) had a baby have body issues of some sort. Whether it's 50 pounds to lose (bless your heart, Blair) or just some much-needed Pilates (like I'll ever get around to it), we all have some fitness goals.

And I keep swearing up and down that I'll do it. On my list of "Body Parts That Need Work" are abs, arms, and ass. I convince myself that I will use those 5 pound weights every day. I get down on the floor to do some situps. But inevitably, something else distracts me. Sometimes, it is the baby. But most of the time, it's a new email or a cool looking commercial.

But in honor of Blair and McFatty Mondays, I promise I will do at least SOMETHING every day related to getting my body back into shape. Even if it's just a walk around the block or twenty crunches, I will do something. I'll probably be back in shape just in time to get knocked up again..

What Babies Want for Christmas

2009-12-14T18:17:00.000-08:00

Heather on http://www.dooce.com/ posted a list of things that are good to get an infant for Christmas. As she readily admits, you aren't getting anything for an infant for Christmas. You're getting something for the infant's parents. And while I agree with some of her choices, I must say that I feel a little differently about what to get infants for Christmas. So, here is my list of the Do's and Don'ts of buying for new babies (please consider this when buying for a baby in general, not just at Christmas time.

Buy This!

Diapers. Babies go through a lot of them. A box of size 1 diapers is appropriate for anyone who just had a baby. If they're older than 2 or 3 months, I'd go with size 2 to be on the safe side. And don't be a miser and buy the cheap kind. Get the expensive Pampers Swaddlers.

Not This!

Baby Blankets. THEY HAVE ENOUGH. I have more blankets than my baby will possibly use. And while I am so grateful that people would get us a gift, I really have no need for any more adorable blankets. Yes, I know, yours is extra adorable. But the only blankets we ever really use are the plain, cotton, "no worries if it gets poop on it" blankets from Target.

Buy This!

Clothes. Babies go through a lot of clothes. Sometimes 3 or 4 outfits in one day. Or in one hour. Be careful buying newborn sizes, though, because some babies never wear them. In general, it's safest to ask the mom what size clothes the baby is wearing (and buy one size bigger than that). For the record, yes, that is a real "porn star" onesie you can buy online, and no, I don't recommend that you do so.

Not This!

Silver rattle. It's beautiful. It's expensive. The baby will never touch it. For one thing, a silver rattle is so heavy I can barely pick it up, much less my 3 month old. And if he did manage to pick it up, he would inevitably drop it right onto his head and give himself a concussion. All parents need one beautiful silver rattles, and I promise that someone else has already bought it for them.

Buy This!

Baby legwarmers. Yes, I'm serious. Heather had this one right. It sounds ridiculous, but it's super convenient. The person who invented baby legwarmers was thinking along these lines: 1) Babies get cold and need their legs covered. 2) It is difficult to change a baby's diaper when they are wearing pants. 3) There needs to be a way to keep a baby's legs warm without making diaper changes a hassle. Tada! Baby legwarmers.

Not This!

Tequila. She had this one right, too. But you can't really write, "To Baby Richard" on a fifth of tequila. so suck it up and buy a bottle for mom and dad.

Eleven Hours

2009-12-07T17:41:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to sleep at the late hour of 9:30pm. Next thing I knew it, I was waking up to aching, engorged breasts. I rolled over to glance at the clock...

5:30am?!?! Richard hadn't made a peep from 7pm until 5:30am?? I really intended to just roll over and go back to sleep, but something was telling me that a good mom would be in a panic. A good mom would rush into his bedroom to make sure he was still breathing. So, in order to be counted among the ranks of good moms everywhere, I snuck into his room to find him snoozing away.

I knew he would be awake within the hour, so I was sorely tempted to just make coffee and check my email before he woke up, but instead I took that blissful half hour to get back into my warm bed and cautiously snuggle up to my husband without letting my breasts explode all over him.

And predictably, I heard Richard stirring about 6am. I am not convinced that this will be repeated tonight (in fact I may be due for a miserable night of every-three-hour wakings), but it's a start!

I Almost Forgot

2009-12-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot that I am a political scientist. You see, when you have a baby, you become a purely biological being. In the process of growing, birthing, and feeding a child, my body took on a very primitive function that left little room for intellectual things.

Like coming up with a dissertation topic.

I registed for 9 dissertation hours this fall, and about four days ago, I realized I hadn't done anything related to my dissertation whatsoever. I have thus spent a few days coming up with a dissertation topic so that I have something to show for the last four months, besides a baby (is that not enough for you people?!).

Despite a brief interruption caused by Rick's 2 month shots (after which he screamed bloody murder for an hour straight and then slept for four), I have come up with something that might resemble a topic. Multi-level games in the Doha Round of the WTO Negotiations, for any who might be interested.

But let me ask you: how many political scientists have made babies THIS CUTE?!

Boring baby stats: As of 11/30/09, Richard is 10 lbs 6.5 ounces (10th percentile) and 23.5 inches long (50th). A long, skinny thing!

The 8th is the Most Special

2009-11-26T17:37:00.000-08:00

Predictably, Richard was quiet and sleepy all day until it was time to eat Thanksgiving Dinner. Then he started fussing. The advantage of being at a Thanksgiving celebration with many, many family members is that they will hold your fussing baby for you while you try to scarf down a meal!

I ate way too much, but it was so delicious, and after all, what's Thanksgiving without a massive bellyache?

My dad has eight grandchildren now, all pictured below. I'm hoping to make it an even ten by the time I'm done.

Taking Advantage While I Can

2009-11-22T06:32:00.000-08:00

About 5 days ago, someone stole my baby and replaced him with one who only wakes up twice every night. This has resulted in a much happier household.

He is also getting much more predictable with his naps. Specifically, I can pretty much count on him to be asleep on and off from about 11:30 in the morning until 2pm.

Over the past few days, I have had lots of reasons to get out of the house around these times: picking up a friend from the airport, a lunch date, and a brunch date. It's very convenient to have the baby snoozing away in his carrier so that I can enjoy a quiet lunch. I'm taking advantage of it while I can and planning all outings during the lunch hour. We haven't experienced a "screaming bloody murder in public" moment yet, but I know it's coming.

I Think I Know What Tired Means

2009-11-13T09:05:00.000-08:00

Richard has been sick.

That simple sentence sounds so innocuous, but in reality it means a week (or more) of misery. Ian and I both had a cold that started with an AWFUL sore throat, continued into three days of extreme fatigue, and concluded with a general "blech" feeling and a stuffy nose. And Richard caught it.

It started last Saturday. He fussed all day. And then he fussed all night. He was in this wonderful pattern of waking twice a night to eat and otherwise giving his parents some much-needed rest. Suddenly, he was up every hour. It was like the first week he was home. No, it was worse than the first week he was home. Because the first week, we expected to be zombies, and the endorphins from giving birth were still raging rampant through my system. By the sixth week, you're starting to hope that your baby will sleep through the night (who ARE these people whose babies sleep through the night at six weeks?).

And now it's the snot stage of the cold. The poor thing is congested and miserable and there's not a whole lot we can do for him. I know how hard it is for me to sleep when I'm stuffy; I really shouldn't be surprised that he's having trouble making it through a few hours, much less a whole night.

A week of running on 4 hours of sleep sent me running to the internet for help. Someone suggested letting him sleep in his swing while he's congested. Now, I know the SIDS police are going to raid my house later today because of this, but when he woke up at 12:30 last night and would simply not sleep (or do anything but cry), by the time 3am rolled around, I placed him in his swing. And he slept happily until nearly 7am.

Hey, whatever it takes.

Like a Childless Couple

2009-11-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

One of my friends in book club has given out the sage advice multiple times that it is very important to "cut the cord" early on in your child's life. This means leaving him at someone else's house for an entire night within the first month of life. Well, he's six weeks old, so we're a little bit behind schedule, but last night, Richard stayed with my mom all night. In fact, I am enjoying a nice cup of coffee and catching up on all my internet sites unrushed because he is still over there. I'm impressed that I didn't zip over to get him at 6am!

Ian and I went out to dinner at Ruth's Chris (thanks to some gift cards courtesy AMEX rewards) and came home and watched a movie. Okay, 20 minutes of a movie. I was so exhausted that we couldn't even make it through the first half.

I did have to wake up once in the middle of the night to pump (Moooo), but just knowing that I could sleep uninterrupted for 6 hours was enough. Now to finish my cup of coffee and go get my baby!

Ian's Words: Translated

2009-11-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

When Ian says, "I think the baby likes you better," what he really means is, "Richard is crying really loud. Will you take him?"

At 6am and the baby starts crying, when Ian says, "If you need me to get up with him so you can sleep, I will," what he really means is, "I want to sound like a caring husband, but I'm actually really tired and don't want to get up."

I had to explain to him: if you offer to get up with the baby, you had better mean it because sometimes, like this morning, I might say yes.

In other news, I have watched so much Jon & Kate Plus 8 that I can now differentiate all of the sextuplets.

Mom Of The Year

2009-11-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

First of all, don't get me wrong. If Richard is crying, I go get him. However, if he is just doing his whiny, fussy cry and I'm in the middle of something, I'll finish up what I'm doing (peeing, brushing my teeth, etc.) and then go see what's wrong.

Tonight, I was grabbing a wine glass from the cabinet to pour myself a glass of wine when Richard started fussing. I was about to go ahead and pour (finishing up what I was doing) when I realized that letting my child cry while I poured booze for myself might be crossing the line.

He Said What?

2009-11-01T08:24:00.000-08:00

As I was talking about my post-pregnancy body and some of the steps I'm taking to get back into shape, Ian made the mistake of uttering this phrase:

"Well, you don't look like you did before you got pregnant."

Excuse me?! It's not as though I am not aware of this fact. But do I really need my husband pointing it out??

Busy Weekend

2009-10-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

I am still recovering from the weekend. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I planned to work in three events in one weekend with a one-month old, but too late now.

The first was my friend Jeanna's bachelorette party. My mother-in-law teaches pole dancing ("pole fitness"), so we all signed up for one of her classes. I can definitely see how some girls could get into it and enjoy it, but I couldn't get past the fact that it was my mother-in-law twirling around on a stripper pole.

The second was my dad's 70th birthday party. My nieces and nephews crowded around the baby in awe. "Can he eat cake?" "Can he walk?" "What does he do besides lay there?" They also coughed all over him, so if he gets a cold, I'm blaming my sister.

The third was our Fourth Annual Halloween Party. Everyone told me that I wasn't going to want to have a party at my house with a one-month old baby, and they were only slightly right. I'm really glad we held it from 5-8pm, rather than from 8pm-2am like the First, Second, and Third Annual Parties. I was really happy to keep the tradition alive, even though I feel like I'm hungover for the 2nd day in a row, and I didn't even drink.

WTF Zippers?

2009-10-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

I have been wearing pre-pregnancy jeans for four days now. That's right: I fit into my size 27 jeans from before I was pregnant. I was thrilled!

It has, however, taken me four days to remember that I have to zip and button them after every time I go to the bathroom. Maternity jeans are so easy. Just pull them up and you're done! Real jeans require work.

Ian's family has concerned themselves with how fat or unfat I am looking. Two weeks after the baby was born, my mother-in-law commented that I "only have a tiny belly left." Let's not talk about my belly - tiny or otherwise! And yesterday, Ian's grandmother said I was "looking better", and not in the "less tired" sense. In the "less fat" sense. I wonder if that means I wasn't looking good before. I know they mean well, and they're intending to compliment me. I think.

Harry Potter Nights

2009-10-17T06:54:00.001-07:00

Pumping breastmilk in the middle of the night is really, really boring. I'm tired and all I want to do is climb back in bed and sleep, but I can't. I have to sit hooked up to a milking machine for a minimum of 15 minutes. I can't turn on the TV, because we try to remind Richard that nighttime is nighttime and not party time. And I can't read the newest bestseller, because my brain just doesn't function well enough at 3am to process the plot of a new story.

Harry Potter it is. I have probably read the series five times already, so there's no need for any active brain cells while reading: I already know the plot by heart.*

My goal is to be finished with the series the night before Richard starts sleeping through the night.

--

* Ian and I got in an argument yesterday over what the phrase "by heart" means. I have always used it as synonymous with "memorized", but Ian insisted that it meant something more: that it was somehow associated with love. "I don't know my ex-girlfriend's phone number "by heart" anymore," he insisted. "I just have it memorized."

I then asked if he knew MY phone number by heart. He did not. Cold silence ensued.

Jon & Kate Plus 8

2009-10-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to claim that Richard is on a "schedule". It's more like a somewhat-predictable routine involving lots of diapers and sleeping and eating. My days, however, have become scheduled according to daytime television.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 comes on right in time for my morning "power pump", lunchtime is filled with DVR episodes of Family Guy, the afternoon is perfect for The Office reruns and crappy cable movies that I've seen 100 times, and evenings are ideal for Food Network Challenge and other shows involving cooking (which I haven't done in 3 weeks). I have not yet devolved into soap operas, but it might not be that far away.

So what's a girl to do on the weekends? Ian was at work, and it was just Richard and me all day Saturday and Sunday. And when I flipped on TLC mid-morning ready to pump and check out the latest J&KP8 drama, I was astonished to find some crappy "Tales from the E.R." show instead. Don't they realize that a predictable cable television schedule is what keeps a brand new mother from losing her sanity??

Fortunately, it is Monday, and regularly scheduled programming has resumed.

First Trip to Grandma's

2009-10-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

Ian's family always has something going on. For every occasion, there is a family dinner, and last night, his family wanted to get together to celebrate Ian's grandmother's birthday.

I accepted the invitation before I thought about whether or not it would be a good idea.

I don't think either of us realized how tired we were until it got to be about 8:30 p.m. and we were both falling asleep at the dinner table. When we got home at 9:30, I could only respond to Ian's questions with grunts. We may have to skip family night dinners for a while, at least until Richard is sleeping through the night.

Moooo

2009-10-06T15:08:00.000-07:00

Richard never really caught on to breastfeeding. He would either a) scream at me; b) fall asleep; or c) nurse lazily for over an hour. It became a horrible cycle: start the session at 2am, finally get him latched at 2:30, breastfeed until 3:30, and then rock him for a while to get him drowsy. By the time he was settled and I could lay down to get some sleep, it was already time to get up and start the cycle all over again. It was stressing us both out.

Exclusively Pumping to the rescue! I didn't want to go straight to formula. It's expensive, and I wanted the baby to get all the nutrients and benefits he could from breastmilk. So, I hook myself up to a breast pump every 2-3 hours for 15-20 minutes and voila! Dinner is served!

I've purchased a whole variety of contraptions to make this easier on myself. Hunching forward and holding the pump up to my chest for 20 minutes was miserable. However, thanks to a little strap/necklace device and a couple of angled pump extenders, I can relax relatively comfortably.

I do, however, feel like a milk cow. Moooo!

Milestones

2009-10-04T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hypothesis: Every child reaches one or more milestones unusually early just so that his or her parents have something to brag about.

Corollary: For every milestone reached unusually early, there is another that is accomplished unusually late.

For example, I could hold my head up the day after I was born, but I didn't get any teeth until I was nearly a year old. I could read in kindergarten, but I was nearly eight before I could tie my shoe. Ian could walk at 9 months, but he still hasn't figured out how to do a load of laundry.

So, the first milestone that Richard has accomplished at an unusually early age is rolling. He can't make it from his back onto his tummy just yet, but when we lay him down on his tummy on the ottoman, he's pretty quick to flip right onto his back. Unfortunately, he gets stage fright every time I try to catch him on video, but he's done it a total of three times already.

This probably means he'll be twenty-six before he figures out how to dress himself.

First Day On My Own

2009-10-02T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ian went back to work today, so it has been just Richard and me all day. Surprisingly, I have managed to get a shower (though no nap yet), and my friend Chelsea brought over some lunch, so I'm not starving to death. We also took a little walk around the block this afternoon - I figured Richard needed some Vitamin D, and I certainly could use 10 minutes out of the house.

Richard has mastered holding his head up when I hold him on my shoulder, though he tends to get this look on his face like, "Whoa... now how do I get my head back down, Mom?"

We've also managed to get through the whole morning without a single pee shower or projectile poop, I take my victories where I can.

They Are Sneaky

2009-09-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

In the 24 hours after Richard's birth, a lady came into my hospital room with a fancy camera and said she was a professional photographer. I wouldn't have to buy any of the photos, she assured me, but couldn't we just get the baby dressed up and take a few shots?

Of course, I agreed. And the pictures are adorable. But somehow, I got conned into buying a CD with 8 photos on it and an 8x10 for $100. One hundred dollars!!

They do this on purpose. They waited til Ian was gone, and my endorphins were at an all-time high, and they said, "Don't you want to buy pictures of your beautiful, precious new baby?"

How could I say no?

Infant Tanning Bed

2009-09-28T14:39:00.000-07:00

Richard's first doctor's appointment involved a trip to the hospital to test for jaundice, and sure enough, his bilirubin count was right at the edge of too high. So, a lady stopped by our house with what looks like a tanning bed, and he is supposed to stay on it at all times when he isn't eating or being changed. How can you tell a new mom that she isn't allowed to hold her baby all the time?!

We Are Parents!

2009-09-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

Richard arrived September 24 at 5:59pm. He was 7 pounds 8 ounces and 20 inches long, with a head that was a full inch larger than average! I'm definitely glad we didn't wait until 41 weeks to induce.

Labor was fairly quick - about seven hours. The hardest part was when the baby's heartrate began decelerating with each contraction. I was laboring naturally and switching positions before that, but with the baby in distress, I had to lay still on my right side. That made it so difficult! I had only progressed 2 cm in 5 hours, so I opted for the epidural. After that, I dilated from 5cm to 10cm in less than two hours. Fifteen minutes of pushing and Richard arrived!

We're exhausted, but I'm doing better than I thought I would be. I'm sure that the sleep deprivation will start catching up to me in a few days, but for now, I'm not quite a zombie. Ian has been an amazing father and so supportive. Last night, he kept the baby while I slept from 9 until 11:30. Richard has his days and nights backwards, so I was up with him from 11:30 until 4:30 with no sleep. Finally, I woke Ian up and he happily took over baby duties for a couple of hours so I could get some sleep. I don't think I could do this without him!

Breastfeeding is a challenge - Richard is just not responsive at all. He has not latched or sucked well, and he mostly just screams at me when I try to nurse him. I am sure that I could work really hard and make it happen, but at some point, you have to pick your battles. I am able to pump plenty of milk to feed him (we already have too much and have some in the freezer), so I may just resign to feeding him breastmilk from a bottle. I think that getting really stressed about it will not be beneficial to me or the baby in the long run.

Other than that, we're just trying to hang onto our sanity! Richard is adorable (though I might be biased). I am at least confident that he doesn't have that weird alien look that a lot of newborns have. I'll try to keep everyone posted!

Today's The Day!

2009-09-24T04:06:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning at 5am with absolutely no hope of going back to sleep. In fact, I'm surprised I managed to sleep at all last night. It's like Christmas when you were 8 years old.

It's definitely hard to believe that in just a few short hours (which I am sure will seem like a few very, very long hours) we are going to be parents. Is it too late to change my mind about this?

We'll keep everyone posted!

I Will No Longer Be Answering My Phone

2009-09-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

Without fail, any time someone calls me, the first thing they want to know is whether I've had the baby yet. Even people like Ian's mom call me just to make sure I haven't gone into labor.

Here's the thing. When I go into labor, we'll call you. If I go into labor and we don't call you, it wasn't an accident. I think Ian's mom is convinced we're going to sneak off to the hospital and have the baby without telling her. If that were the case, calling me every day to make sure I'm not in labor isn't the answer.

But she isn't the only culprit. And whenever I call anyone, the first thing they want to know is if I'm having the baby. I am swearing off phones until the baby is here.

With four more days left until the induction, I'm starting to drive myself batty. It's not as if there is nothing for me to do. I know I could find things to do. I have a project for work that I could start on, closets to organize, and a new Dan Brown book to read. I just can't keep focused on anything, because inevitably, my mind starts drifting to the ever-present thought: "When is the baby going to get here?!"

The nights that Ian works are the worst. Last night, I spent the evening sitting on the couch with Chance, who was resting his head on my tummy and not even noticing the baby kicking him. I watched 300 and then crawled into bed to work on that Dan Brown book. But every other second, there was that distraction: "Baby, will you please just come right now?"

I suppose I'll just plan to finish the book before the baby arrives.

My Dog Is A Moron

2009-09-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

Lasagna and Labor Salad

2009-09-15T06:53:00.000-07:00

I've been reading birth stories obsessively over the past couple of days, and I'm astonished at how many of them start with, "I thought I was having gas cramps all day until I suddenly realized I was in labor." Let me just tell you right now that it NOT going to be me. My birth story will probably start like this:

I had a strange itch on the back of my hand this morning. I thought it might be a sign of labor. It wasn't. I sneezed a few times and wondered if that was an indicator of labor. It wasn't.

Yesterday, I got a pedicure (you need cute toes to deliver a baby), and the friendly Vietnamese lady asked me how long until I had my baby. I will admit it: I lied. I told her I was a week overdue. She then told me that she would make the baby come, and she pressed on some acupressure points on my foot.

Hasn't worked so far.

Ian's dad and stepmom came over last night for dinner, and I fixed lasagna and labor salad. Give me a minute to brag here: my lasagna is pretty yummy. Out of everything I make, lasagna is the one thing that my kids are always going to say, "No one can make lasagna like my mom can."

Labor salad was all the rage in the 80s. It's watercress, romaine, gorgonzola cheese, and balsamic vinaigrette. It's supposed to induce labor.

Hasn't worked so far.

Nine days until the induction!

"Any Day Now" is a Load of Crap

2009-09-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

Obstetricians should not be allowed to say, "Any day now." Because, when you have a date in your head that is two weeks away and the doctor suddenly says, "Any day now," you suddenly forget all about that two week wait. Suddenly, every cramp is a contraction, every ache or pain is impending labor. And then it's all disappointment when the baby STILL ISN'T HERE.

There are exactly two weeks until our scheduled inductions. At most, only one more Thursday that I won't be spending either in the hospital or with a baby. It seems like I have been pregnant FOREVER. Seriously, nine months is a very long time.

Things I am looking forward to once the baby arrives:

1) Booze.
2) Sleeping on my stomach.
3) Seeing my toes when I stand up.
4) Booze.
5) Having a baby to hang out with.
6) Booze.

This Might Not Bode Well

2009-09-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

Jasper didn't even make it 48 hours. I walked in and he was struggling at the bottom of the tank. Ian gave him a burial at sea. I totally cried - ahhh, pregnancy hormones.

Do you think we need to disclose this to the nurses at the hospital before they let us take an infant home?

Our New Addition

2009-09-06T06:30:00.000-07:00

Gotcha! Baby isn't here yet. But we DID get a new addition to the family. His name is Jasper and he is a clownfish. For Ian's birthday, I got him a 14 gallon nano tank. He loves fish and has missed having an aquarium, so I told him this would be the last toy he gets for a loooong time. Every toy from now on is going to the baby. Ian let me pick out the fish, so yesterday, Jasper came home with us.

We have pretty much dubbed this the Last Weekend of Freedom. Because even though technically the baby isn't scheduled to arrive until the 24th, we want to be extra sure that we get all the fun couple-y stuff out of the way well in advance in case he decides to show up early. So, Friday night we went out on a date to a sushi restaurant (and I ate RAW TUNA and had a glass of sparkling wine... I'm such a bad mom). Last night we went out with my friends from work. Tonight we're having friends over, and tomorrow night we're having the baby's godparents over.

And we're going to be extremely broke after this weekend, so it might be okay if the baby comes sooner rather than later to get rid of the temptation to go out to eat again.

We are also taking wagers on the baby's birthweight. I was 8 lb. 2 oz. at birth, and Ian was 8 and a half. The baby is being induced at 39 weeks, and I think he's going to come earlier than that.

My guess is 8 lb. 1 oz. Ian's is 8 lb 7 oz. My mom has 8 lb. 5 oz. So, if you feel like venturing a guess, I'll put you down for a square. Winner gets... um... to babysit for us for free?

Calling All Old Wives' Tales

2009-09-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

There are exactly three weeks left until the induction. At the OB on Tuesday, I learned that I am a bit dilated - just about a centimeter. This means the baby could decide to come tomorrow, or he could stay in there until the 24th.

I'm trying any and all old wives' tales in order to convince him to come somewhere around the 20th. Thus far, it's been evening primrose oil, raspberry leaf tea, lots of walking, and lots of sex (come on, don't cringe. It's not like you hadn't figured out how the baby got in there.)

So, if you have any other suggestions or ideas for ways to entice him to come on out in a week or two, let me know! I'll try just about anything.

Series: 1001 Things I Hate

2009-09-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

3. People Who Make You Take Your Shoes Off Before You Come Inside. There is almost nothing worse than going to someone's house wearing your adorable, brand new pumps that cost $150 and then being asked to take them off. And then having to walk around in bare feet when you haven't gotten a pedicure in months.

I don't really understand the point of making guests take off their shoes. Maybe the cultural thing I can buy, but if it's just the "don't want the carpet to get dirty" excuse, then no way. I'm sorry, but pretty much nothing that is currently staining my carpet was caused by dirty shoes. Stains caused by houseguests occur when they drop their glasses of wine, and trust me, I will do that on your carpet whether I'm wearing my $150 pumps or not.

And if you have a dog AND you make your guests take off their shoes? Hello?! Your dog walks in poop! If anyone needs to wipe off their feet when they come inside, it's the freaking dog.

I don't want to smell anyone else's stinky feet when I'm at your house. I really like my shoes and I probably chose to put them on for a reason. And I'll keep them on, thanks.

Thirty Years Old

2009-08-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

It's official: I'm married to a man in his thirties.

Ian's 30th birthday was yesterday. He shares his birthday with his grandfather, and when we went to the family celebration last night, I think everyone was holding their breath waiting for me to go into labor so that three generations of Richards (Ian's first name is Richard) would all be born on August 28th. Unfortunately, I was a disappointment. Besides a couple of uncomfortable contractions (getting more and more frequent these days), Baby Richard is staying put for now.

Less Than a Month

2009-08-26T05:45:00.000-07:00

We went on the tour of the hospital on Monday night, and it finally hit me: I am going to have a baby.

I always figured I'd have a baby. Even as a kid, I kind of thought someday I'd have kids. Even when I got a positive pregnancy test back in January, I had a feeling that I was going to birth a child. But standing in the actual birthing room of the actual labor and delivery department made it real: I'm actually going to have a baby. In less than a month.

I didn't know whether to pass out or cry. I nearly did both.

At our doctor's appointment yesterday, we had our final ultrasound. Not surprisingly, the baby's head is still measuring in the 97th percentile (he must be very smart), and my doctor told us that he just wasn't comfortable letting me go all the way to 40 weeks. He suggested an induction date: September 24th.

Cue the creepy twilight zone music: my cousin Shannon and I share a birthday, and if this baby makes it to September 24th, her daughter and my son will share a birthday as well. Spooky!

But there's certainly a chance that he will come on his own before the 24th. His head is already at the +1 station, and for you non-obstetricians, babies start at -4 and when they're crowning, they're at +4.

The only disappointment? I think he has my nose.

One For The Road

2009-08-22T06:43:00.000-07:00

*student stares at my stomach strangely*
Kristina: There's a baby in there!
Student: In your tummy?
Kristina: Yep!
Student: How long til he comes out?
Kristina: Another month.
*pause*
Student: *student points at my breasts* Are there babies in there, too?
Kristina: uhh... no.
Student: Well, what are those?
*Kristina panics*
Kristina: ummm... they're woman private parts.

And thank goodness, day care is finished. I have only one job for the rest of the year.

Just One More Week

2009-08-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

I can do anything for one more week. This is the last week of my 2nd job. It's not a difficult job by any stretch of the imagination, but I'm definitely ready for it to end. And as a Hats Off to my summer day care/camp counseler/babysitter position, I will happily share with you a few of the more interesting conversations I have had with the students.

*student eyes my stomach skeptically*
Student: What's under your shirt?
Kristina: There's a baby in my tummy.
Student: No, it's a basketball.
Kristina: Nope, there's a baby in there.
Student: I don't believe you. Lift up your shirt.
Kristina: Umm... no, I'm not going to do that. You'll just have to take my word for it.

--

Kristina: Mark, quit acting up in line.
Mark: But Ben cutted.
Kristina: Quit acting up.
Mark: Ben cutted.
Kristina: Mark, go to the end of the line.
*pause*
Mark: Ben cutted.
*pause*
Mark: Ben cutted.
*pause*
Mark: Ben cutted.
Kristina: MARK, I DON'T CARE.

--

Student: Is the baby a boy or a girl?
Kristina: A boy.
Student: How do you know?
Kristina: The doctors have a special camera where they can look in my tummy and see.
Student: But how can they tell?
Kristina: Uhh . . . they're doctors, they just know.

--

Student: Is there a baby in your tummy?
Kristina: Yep!
Student: Can I see it?
Kristina: It's inside my tummy.
Student: Can you bring it to school?
Kristina: It hasn't been born yet.
Student: But can I see it?
Kristina: It's still in my tummy.
Student: If you lift up your shirt, can I see?
Kristina: *sigh* No, I'm not going to do that. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Just When We Thought It Was Over

2009-08-14T05:38:00.001-07:00

I got this summer day camp counselor job with the plan of using the money I earned (a pitiful $200 a week) to pay for Ian's brand new Tahoe. As many of you know, his old Tahoe was in shambles . . . 12 years old, 200,000 miles, and not the ideal vehicle for carting around a newborn.

So a few weeks into the day care job, we joyfully bought Ian his new truck. Not even one week later, this happened. (quick recap for those too lazy to click: mini-tornado ripped up our roof)

It cost us about $2500 by the time all was said and done. We got a new roof, new gutters, new siding, and new paint on the house. It looks great, and it should make selling the house much easier. Unfortunately, that $2500 sucked up my entire summer's salary.

But I figured we'd be all right. We wouldn't have bought the truck if we couldn't afford it: the summer job was just going to help us out.

And then my truck exploded.

Not really. It was about mid-July when the air conditioning in my pickup suddenly started acting funny. It would run fine at high speeds, but at idle or in traffic, it blew hot air. And for an entire MONTH, I rode around in a truck with no consistent air conditioning while 7 months pregnant. Finally, Ian needed to borrow the pickup for a day, and it took him only an hour of riding around in it to insist that I get it fixed. 7 months pregnant was one thing. 8 months is a whole different ballgame.

The truck also needed an inspection, and with the ratty, treadbare, nail-infested front tires, it wasn't going to pass. Plus a vacuum pump hose that has been faulty for about 2 years.

$1,000 later, the truck is back in shape. And we're also $1,000 broker. Tonight, we're going to have beans for dinner. Then tomorrow, we'll have rice. The next night, we'll have beans and rice.

And the next night, we'll have rice and beans.

Blogging the Season Finale of "Kendra"

2009-08-08T07:45:00.000-07:00

I started watching Kendra after hearing about the show at Book Club, and after watching two episodes, I knew I had struck gold. She cooked pot roast for her first dinner party ever, her mom flipped out when Kendra announced her pregnancy, and she’s overall one of the most clueless people I’ve ever had the privilege to watch on television (Daisy from Daisy of Love might be a close 2nd). So, since it’s Saturday morning and the Cingular store isn’t open yet (I need a new phone charger), I’ve decided to blog the Season Finale of my new favorite show.

8:55 Chance is freaking out because Kendra’s dogs on TV are barking.

8:56 Kendra is hoping that her bridal shower is not “secretly a bachelorette party”. If that’s not foreshadowing, I don’t know what is. Now she is cursing about strippers. I think Bridget (the bachelorette party/shower thrower) is in trouble.

8:58 OH MY GOSH. The introduction. It is completely humiliating, and I’m not even the one doing a ridiculous dance while some desperate rapper is singing “Go Kendra! Go Kendra!” in the background. This is seriously the worst theme song I have ever heard, and if I were Kendra, I would rather jump off a bridge than have that intro come on before my reality TV show.

9:02 Her bridesmaids were all sitting in front of a video camera at the bridal shower, and Kendra joins them. They tell her, “We were just saying congratulations!” And Kendra says, “To who?” Umm… who do you think? Either she’s really that dumb, or she’s pretending. Either way, it’s technically “To whom.”

9:03 Uh oh. Strippers. Bridget is in trouble.

9:04 She’s saved! The strippers are girls! Kendra drops the football that one of the stripper gals throws to her. I still have yet to see the alleged “athletic” side of Kendra.

9:07 Fast forwarding through commercials. How did we survive without DVR?

9:09 They’re getting all sappy and talking about marriage. Oh wait! Now Kendra wants to pluck her fiance’s eyebrows. That’s true love.

9:11 Hank’s brother is suspiciously white. I’m not really sure how that works.

9:13 Who else would have their wedding at their ex-boyfriend’s house? If I called up my ex and asked him if I could borrow his backyard for my reception, he’d hang up on me and then come egg my car.

9:16 Kendra’s family is pissed that they don’t get a more prominent role in the ceremony. Hank is freaking out about getting married. They’re all wearing plastic booties so they don’t get the aisle dirty at the wedding, but Kendra couldn’t figure out how to put them on.

9:19 How many times is Kendra going to say “We keep it real”??

9:22 Are you really allowed to bleach your teeth when you’re pregnant? If so, I need to go get some of those teeth whitening strips.

9:23 My question is, how is she going to get that tank top off without screwing up her hair? A ladybug flew into Kendra’s eye on her wedding day, and she’s taking it as a sign.

9:26 Eww, the groomsmen are wearing lavender vests and ties??

9:27 Eww, Hank is hanging out with Kendra’s 80 year old ex-boyfriend before the wedding??

9:32 “I have to pee really bad.” Oh, that is my life, Kendra.

9:33 Okay, I think Hank’s mom is white. That makes more sense.

9:35 I hate those awkward pauses in weddings where the song hasn’t finished yet but they’re already done with whatever activity is supposed to happen. Everyone always looks really uncomfortable. Once, I had to listen to an entire 3 minute song at a wedding just for the Unity Candle. It takes about 14 seconds to light a Unity Candle. Then, the couple awkwardly gazed into each other’s eyes for the remainder of the song.

9:37 She’s screwing up her vows. It’s like, “Aww look, she’s so endearing! She really keeps it real.”

9:40 Eww, she’s dancing with Hef at the wedding??

9:41 Oh, no. She smeared cake in his face. Ugh. And they’re playing the “Go Kendra” song at the reception! Ugh!

9:42 Two guys are doing the Kid n Play dance! Sweet!

How nice. Kendra and Hank are married now. With any luck, next season will feature the pregnancy and birth! Well, off to the Cingular store!

The Robber

2009-08-06T18:22:00.000-07:00

As Ian and I were wandering around Barnes and Noble in Lubbock, Ian got a call from the alarm monitoring company. They told him that our alarm was going off at the house; did we want to dispatch the police?

Since we were 5 hours away and no one was home, we had them send the police officers. Rattled and terrified, I called my mom to see if maybe she had stopped by the house to check on things. She told me that she hadn't; she was sitting at home, and Dad had gone to the grocery store and didn't even have my housekey. Ian and I anxiously called the alarm company back, and they told us it could be up to 30 minutes before they had any information.

We both started listing off all the things that the burglars had likely stolen: the new TV that isn't paid off, the guns, the computers, the Playstation (Ian's concern), and the baby crib (mine). We'd have to pay another homeowner's insurance deductible right after the one we just paid for the roof. We probably wouldn't even get everything back that we lost.

And then, I got a call. "Dad cell," said the caller id. And when I answered...

Dad: Kristina?
Me: Yes?
Dad: I need you to talk to the police . . .

Sure enough, Dad had taken Mom's car to the store, found my housekey in the cupholder, and decided to stop by the house to check on the dog. Then, he unwittingly set off the alarm and the police came to arrest him. At the end of the phone call, the police officer said, "Oh, and your dog is just fine."

Oddly enough, before we left for Lubbock as Ian set the alarm, I told him not to set it. I specifically said, "My dad will come by the check on the dog and set off the alarm!" But since my dad didn't have a housekey, we figured the odds were low. I even told my mom not to open the doors to the house because of the alarm system. I guess she forgot to pass on the message.

So, thankfully, the Playstation and baby crib were still safely in their places when we got home today. At least we know the alarm system works. Oh, but we did get a bright orange note on our door threatening to charge us a "false alarm" fee. Isn't this what we pay city taxes for?!

Baby Showers

2009-08-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

We're currently in Lubbock visiting Ian's family, and I don't think it's a huge secret that I actually like the family we are visiting here more than I like my own (sorry, Mom). But then again, they don't give me terrible advice like, "You should wear a lot more makeup", and "You're 5'9" and 112 pounds? Sounds about right. Keep it up", and of course, "I'll be your natural birth labor coach, and by the way, you should probably get an epidural" (giving Mom an evil eye).

Last night, they threw us a baby shower, and we got SO much stuff. Combined with the baby shower from Saturday that my good friend Kelly threw, I think we're about set. The biggest difference between the shower last Saturday and the shower last night was that at the shower Kelly threw, I knew everyone there.

This isn't to say that there were strangers at our baby shower last night, but they're all Ian's family and Ian's family's friends. And when I'd read a card from Aunt Norma and have no idea which person in the room is Aunt Norma, I was forced to say my "Thank you" without looking up from the gift. Imagine the embarrassment if I thanked Aunt Kay for Aunt Norma's gift! No, my best bet was to keep my eyes glued on the presents and give a big generic thank you at the end for everyone.

But the shower was amazing, and Ian's sisters did a great job. I can't wait to get everything home and finish up the nursery! Now if only these next 6 weeks would go a little bit faster...

Mommy Needs a 24-Pack of Coors Original

2009-07-31T06:37:00.000-07:00

The problem with most apparel for baby boys is that it's totally hideous. You walk through Babies R Us, and you see all this adorable, colorful stuff. And it's all for girls. The girl clothes come in green, yellow, purple, pink, even blue. The boy clothes are primary colors with iron-on trucks and letters that spell "VROOOOM!"

I'm sorry, but I have no desire to be seen in public next to anyone wearing a shirt that says, "VROOOOM!" I don't care if he's 6 weeks old.

So what I often do is browse Etsy. While Etsy, like every other store on the planet, has ten thousand cute girl things and only five cute boy things, those five cute boy things are worth browsing all 6,356 pages to find. But today, as I was browsing Etsy, I found an outfit that made me go... wtf?

Now, don't get me wrong. The caption on the shirt is nothing if it isn't truthful. Mommy could use about 10 glasses of wine about now, and the need for wine will probably only get stronger for every 6 months my child gets older. By the time he's a teenager, it will be a minimum of a case of wine and 3 Vicodins per night.

But who really wants to advertise that in public? Can you imagine... you're at the mall and a nice little old lady stops to fawn over your toddler. And then she sees the shirt. And she either, 1) stops, gasps, and hustles away, or 2) says, "Honey, you 're gonna need something a lot stronger than that."

The link to this shirt, should you decide you need it, can be found here: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=28527833&ref=cat2_gallery_1

The Hot Girl in the Corvette

2009-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

I know how to drive a standard. By that, I mean that I've driven a stick shift Ford pickup truck enough times in my life to get the concept. I also have plenty of experience on a motorcycle, which requires shifting and using a clutch, but with your hands instead of your feet.

What it boils down to is that I'm no expert.

So when my pal Jared wanted to borrow my pickup last Friday to go pick up some new carpet (I'm the designated "friend with a pickup" and thus get these requests often), I was not expecting him to toss me the keys to his Vette and tell me to meet him at his house when I got done with work.

I was extremely nervous when I got in his car. Pulling out of the parking lot, I think I was shaking. I got the hang of it well enough to not stall or completely ruin his engine/clutch (only moderately ruin them).

When I'd pull up to a red light, invariably there would be a car full of 20-something, good looking men who would be ogling the chick (they couldn't see the pregnant belly) driving the badass car. And then the light would turn green and the Corvette would lurch into action (and then lurch back to immobility) due to my inability to make the transition smoothly from clutch to gas. And they would drive away laughing.

I made it to his house in one piece, but the point is that I'm still having nightmares about the whole experience. Last night, I dreamed that the shifter wouldn't shift gears and I rear-ended someone. I woke up terrified that Jared was going to be mad at me.

I blame the crazy dreams on our trip to Texas de Brazil last night. I had never been to a restaurant like that, and it was pretty crazy. Red meat overload, but totally delicious. Unfortunately, there must have been some clam juice in the cream of lobster soup, because we had to leave in a semi-rush to get me home for a Benadryl after a very mild food allergy attack (damn mollusks!). But otherwise, it was a very fun night!

Series: 1001 Things I Hate

2009-07-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

2. Internet Experts. Don't get me wrong. I spend as much time on the internet as anyone. Actually, I probably spend more time on the internet than anyone. I credit my ability to quickly panic over a toothache or a strange twinge in my abdomen to Google-itis, in which I search my symptoms on WebMD and it tells me all the ways I'm about to die.

But I would never honestly believe that I have the one-up on my doctor because I did my research on the internet.

I've spent a decent amount of time surfing a pregnancy forum on the internet, mostly browsing to read other women who are going through the same kind of thing as I am and learning what to expect in the coming months. And recently, there were a slew of posts about induction.

The debate started with a girl who posted that her doctor suggested induction at 39.5 weeks and that she was really excited to get to meet her baby a few days earlier than she had expected. But the responses were vitriolic. Women posted reply after reply telling this poor girl how horrid she was for wanting her child to be born before it was ready, how induction leads to all sorts of medical complications, and that they fully intended to keep their babies in them until 56 weeks because "the baby will come when it's ready". They had "done their research".

I'm sorry, Internet Experts, but what the F makes you think you're more qualified to decide when an induction is appropriate than someone who went to medical school?? Don't you think they teach doctors a bit more about labor and delivery during their years of schooling than you could possibly learn from a few weeks of internet searching? And don't you think that website you're citing just might be biased in favor of "natural no matter what"?

I didn't respond to the post, for fear of being run out of the pregnancy forums forever, but my doctor has already mentioned the possibility of induction a couple of weeks early. And no, I really don't want to be induced. I'd much rather go into labor on my own. But he's my doctor, and he's the one with the medical degree.

So do your internet research, Internet Experts. Find all the .org websites you want that will back up your proselytizing. But as soon as you start counseling a stranger to go against their doctor's advice, you lose all credibility in my book.

Things Pregnant Woman Should Not Be Expected to Do

2009-07-18T17:31:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if you've ever heard a sage piece of advice that goes something like, "A happy mom means a happy baby," but Ian obviously hasn't. Let it first be said that I told him countless times how incredibly unhappy his expectations were making me, but he did not heed my warnings and will thus suffer the consequences.

I would venture to say that there are quite a few things that pregnant women should not have to do. I will list a few.

1) Be surrounded by people who are drunk, smoking cigarettes, and smoking marijuana. Being around drunk people is bad enough when you can't touch a drop, but the cigarettes and pot? That's secondhand exposure, brother.

2) Have to rush. Pregnant women aren't good at remembering things on a good day, and when rushed, we tend to forget important things like shampoo and pajamas.
2a) Sleep without pajamas.

3) Have plans changed on them at anything resembling the last minute. When a pregnant lady has her head wrapped around a certain schedule of events, it is never a good idea to change anything without plenty of advance notice.

4) Get charged for refills on a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

5) Sit outside for any length of time in weather above 90 degrees. It is possibly slightly acceptable if there is cloud cover and adequate misters, but if the water happens to go out and the sun starts blazing, then the party needs to be moved indoors.

6) BE ANYWHERE where the WATER IS OUT. Do you have any idea how often we pee?

7) Recover from numbers 1-6 without a full body massage, a virgin daquiri, and an entire chocolate cake from Cheesecake Factory.

And yet somehow, I managed to do all of these in a span of less than 24 hours. Now, call me a spoilsport or a stick-in-the-mud, but Ian's fantastic idea to drag his 7 months pregnant wife on a Camping Trip really shouldn't be on his Top Ten Best Ideas list.

Off to find a daquiri and some cake. Ian will be full body massaging for months.

Never Google Anything

2009-07-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

Today was what we thought we be our last ultrasound this pregnancy. Due to a few very minor issues, we will probably end up have at least one more before the baby gets here.

First of all, the baby is perfectly healthy. Every part of him that the technician could see showed that all is well. In fact, he might be too healthy. This child is huge. Overall, he is measuring two weeks ahead of schedule, which would normally indicate that we could expect to have an 8 pound+ baby at 40 weeks, but here's the kicker: his head is measuring a full THREE weeks ahead of schedule. Our son's head is in the 98th percentile, which means it is bigger than 98 percent of babies at his stage of pregnancy.

While the doctor said this was not a problem by any stretch of the imagination, it could turn into a problem should I stay pregnant a full 40 weeks. The chances are pretty good that, if the baby's head is still in the 98th percentile when I go into labor at 40 weeks, his abnormally large skull will get stuck halfway out and require an emergency C-section. Naturally, we want to avoid this, so the doctor indicated that we may want to induce labor a couple of weeks early.

Induction doesn't exactly sound like fun either, but there is some semi-bright news. I have an overabundance of amniotic fluid. My doctor said that it probably means I have a good chance of going into labor on my own prior to 40 weeks. Best case scenario: I will spontaneously go into labor around 38 weeks due to excessive amniotic fluid, and the baby's head will not be the size of the Death Star.

However, when you Google these two minor issues, it returns a bunch of information that indicates that I can expect imminent death for both me and my child.

Big head = Big brain, though, right? I have a genius in my uterus!

1001 Things I Hate

2009-07-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs, Redacted, is written by a very funny guy who lives in Miami with his girlfriend. And his girlfriend recently started a series of blog posts on his blog called "1001 Things I Hate." There have only been two entries so far, but I liked the idea so much that I had to copy her.

Granted, there's no way my list could reach 1,001 things. There aren't that many things in the world that I actually hate. As I was sitting down trying to lay out the first five or six entries, I realized that I am a rather happy-go-lucky person that doesn't hate too much in the world. Plus, most of the things I actually hate are things that I would rather post anonymously. Who wants to admit that they hate World Peace?*

So the series might end up being only 14 Things I Hate, or 3 Things I Hate Plus 22 That I'm Not Fond Of. But nonetheless, we begin.

1. Kidz Bop. This is a compilation of popular songs performed by a bunch of kids. They change any questionable lyrics to something more kid-friendly and give the songs a more "family-oriented" feel. I was introduced to Kidz Bop at the summer camp where I'm working part time, and the kids love it.

It makes me want to blow my brains out.

When I heard Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It performed by a gang of what must be talented 10 year olds, I almost fainted. Was this not the outrageous hair band of the 80s who fought to lead the crusade against Parental Advisory labels on music?! Dee Snyder, what happened?

I have vivid memories of being about 17 and driving my 5 year old niece home, listening to AC/DC. And when Highway to Hell came on, I just sang "Taco Bell" very loudly instead of using the H-word. I think she still thinks the song is called Highway to Taco Bell. All I'm saying is that there are much more creative and acceptable ways to bleep out words you don't want your kids knowing without ruining the timeless works of fine artists like Twisted Sister and the band that sang Funky Town.

Kidz Bop, I hate you.

--

* The only reason I hate World Peace is that it would make life for Political Scientists who study International Relations very boring. And we'd all lose our jobs.

Let's Just Genetically Engineer Our Child

2009-07-11T06:56:00.000-07:00

There has been much discussion around our house about who the baby is going to take after. Some things, I sincerely hope he takes after Ian, and some things, I sincerely hope he doesn't.

The Cold Tub has been a lifesaver this summer, and I was in a routine of laying out in it every Saturday and Sunday, maintaining a pretty decent tan. However, last weekend's visit to Ian's family in Lubbock meant two whole weeks without sun. My skin faded from tan-ish to ivory in fourteen days.

Ian was astonished. When we left for Lubbock, I had a pretty significant tan line. When we got back, my skin was all the same color again.

He is one of those people that walks out in the sun for thirteen seconds and has a tan. And then it doesn't fade until mid-January. He never burns, his skin never breaks out, he never has an allergic reaction/rash to anything, and he doesn't have a single scar to speak of. And while I rarely burn (I tan slow and fade fast), my skin is supremely sensitive. I basically switch soaps and I'm breaking out like I'm 15 again. I get a paper cut and it turns into an ugly scar.

I know our kid is screwed on noses. But maybe he could get Ian's skin? Well, off to the cold tub to try and build up a base tan again.

Pregnancy Cravings

2009-06-30T09:58:00.000-07:00

People have asked me often if I've had any strange pregnancy cravings, and my typical answer has been "No." I have been craving milk constantly since I hit about 10 weeks pregnant, but other than that, I didn't think I'd been having cravings at all.

Today at lunch, it hit me. I have been having one very strange craving for about 4 weeks: Brown Sugar and Cinnamon Frosted Pop Tarts. It hit me today: I hadn't had a poptart since I was about 8 years old, and then all of a sudden, I was eating a packet of poptarts every day. I guess it just didn't click that this was an obvious strange pregnancy craving.

Poptarts and milk... breakfast of champions and pregnant women everywhere.

Cold Tub

2009-06-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not great with water. I can swim (champion doggy paddler), but not very well. And I certainly wouldn't say I "enjoy" swimming.

During the "studying for comps" month, I found myself at home all the time reading political science literature, so almost every day, I would pull out the lawn chair and lay in the backyard reading Schumpeter or Mill. This resulted in a decent golden color that made it not embarrassing to wear shorts. However, my current non-academic work schedule keeps me indoors from 9am to 6:30pm, leaving no good time in the sun during the week. So, on weekends, I've been laying out in the sun in our backyard to try and keep myself from reverting to Winter Pale.

It's hot. It's really f-ing hot. Yesterday it was 103 degrees (and that's not even an exaggeration). Today, when I walked outside at 10:30am in my bikini, I almost suffocated in the heat. So, I took the plunge. I pulled off the cover of our hot tub (which during the summer is our cold tub), got out the bright orange floaty, and worked on my tan.

It was fantastic and cool and wonderful, and it didn't even require any swimming. I could even lay on my stomach, something that has eluded me since my 25th week of pregnancy, resulting in a very nice tan on my front and a very snow-white color on my back. The combination of the water and the orange floaty allowed me to try and even things out.

And instead of walking inside drenched in sweat and dying of thirst, I came in quite refreshed. Maybe Ian is right... maybe we do need a pool...

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

I know I'm a little late, but I do want to be sure and wish any fathers who might stumble across this blog a very happy father's day. There, now all two of you should feel better.

And in light of it being Ian's first Father's Day (we debated for a while whether this one counted, and after the baby kicked me square in the bladder so hard I almost peed, I decided that Ian's son is almost as annoying this year as he will be next year. Thus, Father's Day counts), I would like to tell you a few gems that Ian has provided me with during pregnancy.

1) Ian really wanted our first child to be a boy. I just wanted a healthy baby (that is a filthy lie, I wanted a girl). I had to be put on progesterone at 7 weeks because my body wasn't producing enough, and low progesterone is correlated with early miscarriage.

When you go for your NT Scan at 12-13 weeks, the technician says she might be able to tell whether it's a boy or a girl, but that the results are anything but certain. As she examined the baby's spine (and whatever else she was looking for), our child was happy enough to spread its legs and show off the barely-formed goods. The technician announced, "Well, I'm not sure, but I think it's a girl."

Secretly, I was ecstatic. Ian was a bit dejected. When we went back into the waiting room to wait another 30 minutes before the actual exam, Ian turned to me and asked, "Do you think the progesterone made it a girl?"

Shaking my head, I replied, "No, Ian. I think your sperm made it a girl."

2) When I was around 20 weeks pregnant, I had been feeling movement sporadically, and it typically felt like that gassy, grumby feeling you get when you're sick, but without any of the pain. I actually started feeling movement very early for a first baby (around 16 weeks or so), but I hadn't really felt any discernible kicks yet. But at 20 weeks, I suddenly got concerned. I hadn't felt the baby move in two or three days.

Now, ask any doctor or read any pregnancy book/website, and they will tell you that at 20 weeks, the baby is just too small to feel consistently. He could have turned in a different direction or be laying sideways. Basically, it's nothing to worry about. Obviously, I was worried.

I commented worriedly to Ian, "Honey, I haven't felt the baby move in a couple of days."

He replied, "Do you think it's dead?"

...

Honestly, is there anything worse you can say to a pregnant woman?! After this ridiculously idiotic comment, I had to have a conversation with Ian. You, husband, are my rock. You are the rational, sane one who tells me everything is probably fine even if I'm bleeding from every orifice of my body. You will calmly drive me to the E.R. and not say a word if I get amniotic fluid all over your new Tahoe's leather seats. YOU WILL NOT WONDER ALOUD IF OUR BABY IS DEAD.

Needless to say, it took three weeks, until our next doctor's appointment when we heard the heartbeat, for me to be convinced that the baby was, indeed, alive. And kicking. Quite literally.

3) Last night was our childbirth class. Let it be known that I would like to go without an epidural as long as possible during labor. If that means until I'm 2 centimeters, so be it. But the goal of the childbirth class is to try and get me to last at least until 6 or 7.

Many Lamaze coaches will avoid using the word "pain" in their childbirth lessons. The doula that came to our house last night was much more upfront. I really appreciated her honesty, even though it absolutely terrified me. (Holy crap, I am going to try and push an infant out of my hooha without pain medication?? What is wrong with me??) Fortunately, she was not against the use of epidurals. She just wanted me to stick it out as long as I could without one.

After the childbirth teacher left, and we had watched all the videos about how dangerous narcotics are and how childbirth is not a medical emergency (my ass it isn't), Ian was far more anti-drug than he was before.

He turned to me, as I sat in shocked silence on the sofa, and said, "You know, childbirth isn't going to be that bad. It's just muscle contractions. It's not like you're getting shot in the kneecap or something."

I replied, "Ian, if you say that to me during labor, I will shoot you in the kneecap."

My After School Job

2009-06-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things in this world that, when you see them, they shake you out of the boring regularity that is your day. Things that make you do a double-take, tilt your head to the side, and marvel at humanity.

Yesterday, it was blue high-tops.

I don't mean blue as in, mostly white with a few blue stripes, or even light, unobtrusive blue. I mean blue like the color of the blue crayon in your 8 pack crayola set from first grade (before you got the 64 pack and became the coolest kid in class). And I don't mean high-tops like shoes that come up barely to your ankles. I mean straight up 1988-style high tops that practically reach your calves.

Over the summer, to pay for our new roof, I'm working 15 hours a week at a day camp for the children of TI employees. Yes, as my good (and recently unemployed) friend Jared must agree, the best thing that TI can do after it lays off thousands of employees is hire new part time ones to work at the multi-million dollar gym facility.

Being pregnant, I've been assigned the sometimes boring but certainly easy task of sitting at a table outside the "Kid Room" and checking parents' identification before they come to pick up their children. And across the hall from my table is the aerobics room, in which yesterday, they were teaching a women's self defense class that, from the looks of it, suggested that women could (and ought to) attempt to disarm attackers carrying loaded handguns. I'm all for women's self defense, but I just think that getting the water pistol out of your 120 pound female workout partner's hand is not really recreating the scenario that is going to happen when you have a professional, armed mugger standing behind you.

And as they were filing out of their suicide lessons, I saw them. A lady walked out of the aerobics room in bright blue high tops. One of my colleagues stepped out of the kids room and said, "Did you see that?"

"Bright blue high tops?" I replied. "Yes. Yes, I did."

Summer Can Officially Begin

2009-06-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

I passed comps.

Hormonal

2009-06-12T12:03:00.001-07:00

We are fortunate enough to live less than 200 yards from railroad tracks, which means if we ever decided to just say, "To hell with it all!" we could very easily grab hold of the caboose of one of the regularly-passing trains and hitch a ride to Kansas, or wherever the tracks may take us. The tracks are also an advantageous place to pick up stray dogs.

My dog, Soap, learned to howl at the train from a dog we used to have, and now, every time a train goes by, horn blaring, Soap howls this really hysterical sort of howl. He hasn't quite figured out how to make the coyote-sounding note, so he half-whines and half-growls, and Ian and I both get a huge kick out of it every time he does it.

Yesterday, however, when I heard my dog howling at the train, for some reason, he sounded unusually lonesome.

And suddenly, as I was folding the laundry, I found myself in tears. I thought Soap was howling because I didn't love him enough and because he missed our old dog and basically I AM A HORRIBLE DOG MOTHER HOW CAN I EVER EXPECT TO RAISE A HUMAN BEING.

When I walked into the living room sobbing and mumbling about how lonesome Soap sounded, Ian (who is no longer surprised by the sudden onset of tears) suggested that I go throw the tennis ball for Soap and make him feel better.

I did, and Soap howled at the next train anyway.

My Poor Roof!

2009-06-11T06:22:00.001-07:00

The problem with tornado sirens in the North Texas area is that they go off when the wind is gusting to 25 knots. The television weather people go nuts whenever somebody's aunt's brother-in-law's great-grandmother thought she might have maybe seen a funnel cloud out her back window (but she wasn't sure).

So when they go off (once a month or so), my usual instinct is to ignore them. Ian, however, goes into full-on panic mode. Apparently, in West Texas (where he's from), the sirens don't go off for no reason. The sirens actually mean "duck and cover". This is not to say that there are more tornadoes there, as North Texas has been hit with some pretty severe ones. Our sirens are just more paranoid. They cry wolf.

Last night, the sirens went off, and I ignored them, continuing to cook dinner. Ian started running around like a chicken with his head cut off. The sirens stopped.

Then, about 30 minutes later, the storm actually hit, and the sirens didn't make a peep. We looked out the back window, and the tree in our backyard was sideways (granted, it's not a very big tree). My first thought was "GET SOAP!" Soap is my dog, for any who don't know.

Ian wouldn't let me go outside in the storm, so he ran out and got the dog. When he came in, his words were "It's a tornado!"

Ian is the most dramatic person ever (if someone has the flu, they're on their death bed), so I didn't believe him until I saw our shingles flying into the backyard. At this point, I made sure that the dogs were both safe in separate bathrooms and watched my husband go outside to look for funnel clouds. Yes, he went outside. My husband secretly wants me to be a widow.

The storm lasted all of 5 minutes, but our roof is torn up pretty badly, and our homeowner's insurance deductible is $1600. We don't have $1600, or even $500 for that matter, but that roof has to get fixed. How much money can a pregnant stripper make?

NEVER Do This to a Pregnant Woman

2009-06-08T17:14:00.000-07:00

I had a giant piece of leftover chocolate truffle cake in the fridge from Cheesecake Factory. All day I was looking forward to it. I heated up week old leftover pizza for dinner, scarfing it down with the knowledge that there was insanely amazing chocolate goodness for dessert. I went to the fridge to get my cake...

IAN ATE IT.

Ian ate my chocolate cake. Ian ate a pregnant woman's chocolate cake.

This resulted in a lot of ear-splitting shrieking, and a promise that I was going to buy an entire chocolate truffle cake from Cheesecake Factory, that it was coming out of HIS budget for the month, and that he couldn't have a single slice.

NEVER eat a pregnant woman's chocolate truffle cake.

Much Poorer and Much Dumber

2009-06-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

Comps are FINISHED, and now I just get to wait around in agony to find out if I passed or not. If I passed, then I'm done for the summer; all I'm doing is taking one Master's level class... super easy. If I failed . . . well let's not talk about that. All I'm going to say is that it will involve lots of tears and some re-studying before I have to take them all over again in July.

To celebrate finishing comps, Ian was going to take me out to dinner to the restaurant where we always go when one of us has something to celebrate: Mignon in Plano. It's expensive and delicious: just the place for celebrations! Well Thursday night, my celebration got postponed for a birthday dinner for Ian's sister. I will say that it was probably not a good idea for me to go hang out with my in-laws on the night after what was probably the most difficult and most mentally exhausting week I've had in a very long time. If anyone wants details for how it went, please feel free to ask (the short answer involves those TNT fire poppers inside a restaurant and that Ian was far more annoying that his family was).

Friday, we decided we needed a new car. Well, the need for a new car had been milling around in our minds for about a year or so. Ian's 12 year old Tahoe is on its last legs. Three of the speakers are blown. The left turn signal doesn't work. The leather seats are worn out and have stuffing coming out of them. The driver's side door will not open from inside - you have to roll down the window and open it with the outside handle.

Basically, I was not going to allow my newborn child in that Death Trap.

So, after a long and grueling day at the car dealership, we kind of got jipped (but when do you NOT get jipped at a car dealership?). I will say that we were still within the budget we had planned for, but we were about $0.01 below our absolute maximum. It's what I get for having a husband who expects leather seats, OnStar, tri-zone air conditioning, a rearview camera, and a DVD player in the back (the only option we didn't end up with was the DVD player).

And for dinner, my husband took me to the expensive, delicious celebration restaurant in the brand new Tahoe. I even drank a half glass of wine (I needed it after such a harrowing week and such an enormous purchase).

Now, I'm going to relax and play The Sims 3 ALL DAY.